Thursday, December 23

Christmas Cheer and myrid of fears...

Currently around me the whole of my world is hurtling towards that special time, once all about the birth of a child, now about monopolies making money. Yet, me the guy who says "i hate monopolies" is enjoying him self. Wow.

Yep, Christmas time is the one time i guess i really dont care how much i spend. I dont mean i let go of all controls, but its no way as strict as i normally am with my money, and it brings me happyness when i know i have the pefect pressies for everyone, and when they open them they will all be happy on that festive day. \o/

I think i've done quite well this year, however, i still have nothing for my mums birthday on the 28th. Hopefully the shops will of reopened by then and i can pick something nice up...
But thats not to be worried about now, nor is the fact i have some c/w to do for uni. Its sitting there in my bag and now i guess it will stay there until i get worried enough about it that i pluck it out and get on with it!

I had some things i wanted to talk about today, but is it worth it i ask? Maybe. Last night i saw some of the comedy awards, they were pretty boring actually, i think the producers are trying to cover too much with one show. Instead of just covering comedy shows, they covered every type of show, and just stuck the word comedy on the begining...
But it was very kool when Steven Hawkins did a guest appearance to give an award to Matt Groening for the hit show the Simpsons. A list of most of the awards is here.

Other random stuff is happening in the world today, and most of it is crazy. People are increasingly blaming computer games for the problems in todays youth. Wait, i was todays youth not to long ago and i know that i never did anything from computer games. Well, not nothing exactly, but nothing like stabbing people and such random crazyness. Also what really seems to hit me hard is the fact that we see these events happening concerning lads aged 12-17 and yet they are playing games which are clearly labled as 18. This means that somehow they are getting games which are not meant to people of their age. Some teenagers maybe more mature than others and be able to cope with these scenes and some surely CAN'T.

Some people say blame the people selling the games, and yes, part of this is the problem, but more often that not, its the parents buying what ever the child wants without taking any notice of the age rating. I know this from fact from when i worked in a supermarket and i had parents buying games, when with them they had v.young children, i would warn them about the age warning and they would seem to not care. Sometimes they would even be annoyed. Madness resumes, now amy and her friend are here, i guess its time to stop this rant... Night Night. And merry CHirstmas!

Mood: Happy
Currently Listening to: Something...
Word of the day: Christmas

-= djsmiley2k! =- Mail me! //

Sunday, December 19


[13:38] * Now talking in #psychology
[13:38] are you a student?
[13:39] no, just taken one psychology class in the past, just bored and dropped in to see if anything interesting was going on
[13:39] hum i got some wierd theorys on how the mind works, my bros taking it (or was.... i think hes dropped it now) and he thinks i might be right...
[13:39] especially stuff about how we memorise stuff, and how its connected to other effects.
[13:39] what kind of theories
[13:39] explain
[13:40] and why its easiler for some people to memorise different things
[13:40] right hard to explain on irc.... erm,
[13:40] basicly, see the mind as a giant grid.
[13:40] each memory having a number of cord's.
[13:41] i think we memorise each singl'r movement and reaction by each mulcle indivually
[13:41] and when these are grouped together and "rerun" it allows us to remmber what happened.
[13:42] but parts of these, some times singluar movements by lets say, your arm moving in one direction, will happen in MANY memories
[13:42] thats the basis of learning...
[13:42] what do you mean? rerun?
[13:42] ermm
[13:43] like your mind simulates it for you
[13:43] aha
[13:43] so you can "see" what happened
[13:43] think of how a computer works
[13:43] it has a set of data which says something happens
[13:43] to runs it through a simulator and you end up with a video of what happened
[13:43] basicly i think our mind does the same
[13:44] instead of holding actual "memories", it holds the instructions to create the memories
[13:44] and these instructions maybe reused to create parts of other memories.
[13:44] * Smiley121 thinks for a second...
[13:45] and i guess, that would also explain dreams, are where you break down the barriers of other memories, and memories which share instructions start interacting with each other
[13:45] Do "we" know why we forget dreams when we wake up?
[13:45] not that I know
[13:45] i wonder
[13:46] i dont forget my dreams
[13:46] we release various chemcials when we sleep?
[13:46] why would you break down barriers of other memories in dreams?
[13:46] Langly, most people do.... i dont most of the time...
[13:46] heck i even have lucid dreams where im in control alot
[13:46] sengehest, maybe we dont, maybe we STOP it happenin when we are away.
[13:46] awake*
[13:47] BTW: if you pinch yourself in a dream, it does hurt
[13:47] Langly1 << if you forget your dream, do you know you've forgotton ?!
[13:47] in my dream, it did not :)
[13:47] maybe its the minds way of keeping us sane.
[13:47] we discard dreams, because they dont matter.
[13:47] well if you cant remember any dream you know youve forgotten
[13:48] as soon as they happen when we are awake. then we are psycho!
[13:48] Langly? you dont ALWays dream.
[13:48] ive solved complex mechanical puzzles in my dreams, woken up and tried to solutiona and it worked
[13:48] thats normal too :p
[13:48] some people believe dreams are random nerve impulses sent from brain stem and interpreted by the cortex as real life activity
[13:48] ever dreamt whole convosations...
[13:48] i never have nightmares anymore, havent for ages
[13:49] and then the convo happens...
[13:49] although yes sometimes have monsters and such in my dreams, they arnt nightmares
[13:49] i always fight and defeat them, more like an action adventure dream than a nightmare
[13:49] bbl
[13:49] sengehest : if we dreamt a we were awake, people would say we had lost it yes?
[13:49] what do you mean?
[13:50] um, i have dreamed waking up and brushing my teeth and getting ready to leave before
[13:50] Langly, i used to have dreams where i would fight my brother... bazooka shells would mean i could fly... machine guns an all ;)
[13:50] then my mom came and woke me up to get ready and i was like WTF
[13:50] i've dreamt many things....
[13:50] you mean if we dreamt and used our body movements at the same time?
[13:50] i mean
[13:50] i was 2 hours late for school once due to a dream
[13:50] if you were walkin down the street, and you said you saw something
[13:50] people call it hulcination...
[13:51] kept dreaming i would wake up and start getting ready, then be back in bed get up and get ready, back in bed get up get ready
[13:51] maybe its just the brain forgetting to keep memories sperate
[13:51] so i wound up just staying asleep instead of dreaming of getting up again
[13:51] till i finaly woke up
[13:51] Smiley121 I believe so
[13:51] then i wasnt sure if it was a real wakeup at first
[13:51] langly that would freak me
[13:52] ive seen far far freakyer
[13:52] so maybe, there is some chemcial or something which normally stops us having dreams during "awakeness"
[13:52] and when it fails.... well we all know what happens then. normally involves people getting shot =/
[13:52] I dont think so, i can get so tired i can pracicaly see dreams just by closing my eyes
[13:52] while im still awake
[13:53] but your imagineing that?
[13:53] your brain is creating it from memories...
[13:53] or thoughts
[13:53] no just with the closing of my eyes, even sounds sometimes
[13:54] Smiley121: Maybe the other way around, because during REM, the motor area is paralyzed. that way we dont use our body when we think the dream is real
[13:54] the signals from the motor area
[13:54] but when we sleepwalk, its because the motor area hasn't stopped as it should
[13:55] thats right
[13:55] so to think that the thing that creates memories hasn't turned off.. isn't too crazy?
[13:55] some people miss the paralysis, and they have a problem
[13:55] i used to do that...
[13:55] no. it is not crazy at all
[13:55] i can also do mad stuff like hypotise my self
[13:55] send my body in to spasms...
[13:56] turn off pain receptors
[13:56] some people have killed or raped during sleep
[13:56] and did not get convicted because of it


Mood: Freaked out
Currently Listening to: Kerrang Radio Digital - The Killers...
Word of the day: Snorkle

-= Smiley! =- Mail me! //

Tuesday, October 19

Trouble in the waters

Strange, last few days everytime i attempt to blog, something messes up and destoys what i have written (and for once its not me!). Anyway seems i've finally found a way thru those dark hours via the university network, and so now report home back to you.

But i'm being thrown out of my university room as i speak, so ill see ifi can talk again soon!

Currently Listening to:
Word of the day:

-= Anon! =- Mail me! //

Thursday, September 16

So Alone...

Last night was just like any other night, except for one thing, one small thought which was slowly swelling inside my mind.... At first i didn't realise what it was. Then it happened, the end came. The moment we all wait for, the deciding point, the final happening.

And so it was, for the pub we all headed, a slience over us all, a unwritten promise signed by all, promising to return, to finish it one day. Where were we headed? Into the next part of our lifes, in the next level, except the people we had known for so many years, ones that supported us, and even ones we never really reacted with, some we disliked and some we never knew. They all head off into the night, to start a new life, and i am left behind.

Its this time you finally realise, that you really do care about your mates, about your friends, you suddenly realise that those things you never said, you should of, you should of listened when they need you, and be there. But now the times gone, gone into the past and we now live in a new age.

So everyone i've known in the last 3 years is now going to university or some form of higher education, some of my mates will still be around, but most have gone, far far away. Ill be starting at university, finally doing the type of thing i have dreamed about doing for so many years. And yet, it scares me, it scares me more than going to college, more than going to school, more than the day that i started in the 2nd year of school and we started doing indiviual work. Why it scares me? Because im taking no one with me, for the first time ever, im starting something new and i know NO one there. no one at all.
This must be the same idea going through other peoples minds, for one, there is Jen, last night she suggested that she would be trying to get a house in january, i didn't belive it at first, everyone has these ideas which never become realitys, but this was different. She took my phone number for a start, she never takes personal infomation. Weirdest reaction was of her boyfriend who claimed she was "drunk" but i know for sure she wasn't, and my girlfriend who also spoke to her agrees. (* jen never spoke to me before, let alone amy *).

So now theres only a few of us left, me, jen, hayley, and Richard Smith... Smithy is going back to university somewhere, not sure where or to do what, but i see him around quite alot. Jen and hayley? well, they have known each other from tile hill, no doubt they will be sticking together (they are doing the same course i think too.... ?) and that leaves me.... im going to do a course where i know no one, its time for a new start, something different but something exciting. I wont say im "scared" but nevous and slightly ancious too, its a BIG change im undergoing now, and it wont be easy, but im prepared, in mind and in body.

Ill try and keep in contact in jen and hayley, at least then i will know someone... Also i of course have Amy too and hope that she will find someone she can get to know, not to replace nina, but as someone extra, another friend.... Maybe kirsten? HOPEFULLY Kirsten.

Will Amy want to live with me? i have a feeling if i was going to be in a house with Jen, she would, because it would worry her. I wish she wouldn't worry, she has no reason to.
Weather or not its a good idea i really dont know? It would be great to say "oh im going to live with my girlfriend" and it prob works for many many people, but im not many people, for a start i've never lived away from home, i've only once stayed away from home (twice actually) which was disney land and norfolk.... both times was more like a holiday instead of living arrangements. Basicly me and amy have never lived together in proper circumstances, and i've never really lived alone, i dont want to lose Amy, especially because i've made a stupid mistake of trying to rush moving in and such...

I will be taking my time, thinking this over and over.. and still, it might not ever actually happen anyway.....

Currently Listening to:
Word of the day:

-= Anon! =- Mail me! //

Tuesday, September 7


Kirsten will do what she wants, she, of all people, should. But at the same time, i watch in the background, in the shadows, making sure she is ok.

Her dad is clamping down on who she can "go out" with. I really dont understand this, then again, i dont understand why they wont let her goto the colly either. I went, for over a year, EVERY damn thursday. Then finally oneday, i realised how bad it actually was becoming *(yes, i still say it was ok for awhile)* and stopped going.

Everyone rebels to some extent. Its a fact of life, it proves that we have the intellegence to make a choice and decide to do something, which isn't built in, which is a choice. The fact that her dad is telling her who she can and can't go out with, means, by default that she will do the opposite. Not because she wants to disobey her dad, but because her brain tells her that she must do this to prove her own self worth.

I see my self as a pretty balanced person, whos intouch with my interself, but even i do this , without meaning to and sometimes definatly not knowing i am. Its strange how much our brain controls us without us knowing it.

Sorry there is no links, im tired.

Currently Listening to:
Word of the day:

-= Anon! =- Mail me! //

Monday, September 6

Laptop for sale!

I have a laptop now for sale.

Hi all

You might remember awhile back i brought a laptop with the intention
of installing Linux on it and running it as a test rig for me. Sadly i
neither had the time, nor energy to get this project started.

Also it seems i killed the laptop to some extent. How ever, it did
cost me over £200 and i would, if i can, like to make some of this
cost back.

Would anyone be interested in buying a working, but not in usable
state laptop?. I believe that all you need is either a laptop adapter
which works with it, so you can install a operating system (i believe
this is what the guy that sold me did) or buy a floppy drive for it,
so you can access the BIOS etc. (Costing approx £30, but i only found
one website stocking them, and they were out of stock).

I would love to be able to hand it over to some one to mess around
with, and leave it with them, them paying me if they could get it
working (on a basis of trust) but i can't currently do this. (my mum
would kill me for deff.). So instead I'm trying to sell it, hopefully
so it can be used for something.

I think its approx a 133mhz, with 4gig hard drive. If anyone is
interested then i will get exact details etc.

As for cost, i have no idea what its worth. Only thing i can go by is
ebay, which is pretty unrealible anyway. I guess i would be happy if i
got even £100 for it.

Cheers all,
Tim Bowers.

P.S. It came with 98 working on it fine, i happened to format the
drive, and it led to this long story of distaster.

Smiley - Tim Bowers -

Mood: Grumpy
Currently Listening to: Noisy fan.
Word of the day: Red Devil!

-= DjSmiley! =- Mail me! //

Monday, August 30

Reading Fest is over, let the reviews begin!

Monday morning, cold and wet. The wind was blowing the curtians and my bedroom was freezing. It took only a few seconds of thought to realise that my girlfriend was still in nottingham, and that i was at home, cold, in my bed. The alarm clock went off with its normal Cockadoodledo sound and i jumpped out of bed, the same way i had so many times before.

Except this time, i didn't need to. I had nothing to do, no where to go, no one to see. Its been a strange day, so cold. I deicded to walk up the bank and get my bank book, then i remmebered that the bank was closed, as i was standing outside. The wind was cutting me to the bone, so cold.

I had already decided that i wasn't going to work. I dont need the money (as i can't get to it anyway) and it was a bank holiday, meaning it would be stupidly busy. When i phoned up i got the normal "nag" and then its done, no more work for today.
I can hear various sounds throughout the house, i think my dad came home, maybe my sister is making some food. Im never hungry, but always needing to eat.

I've only ever gone to a few festivals, and when i do eventually go, ill have to make sure its not for the music. As i know, that there is so many people, it means i think that the music becomes almost diluted?. I dont know but i tend to like the bands with a more personal feel.... My Ruin being a perfect example. When i saw them in birmingham, we saw them outside (even if i did have ash / chicken in my eye). They were just normal people, no giant crowd cheering them on, nothing weird at all about them. And then, when they did their stuff, it was so much more than any band thats proforming to thousands of people, because they can hear the indivual screams, shouts and pain of their fans. I got to touch tarri b twice. That i wont be forgetting.

But how ever, i hope everyone in reading enjoyed them selfs, im sure my brother will be home at somepoint today. No doubt smelly and dirty too =D.

Mood: Undecided
Currently Listening to: Radio 1?
Word of the day: Super

-= Djsmiley! =- Mail me! //

Friday, August 27

First day on the P-Rock radio, played some nice songs, oldish mostly. Bit of queen, bit of paparoach.

my brother is in reading, i hope hes enjoying him self. But i know for SURE that he wont be listening to this, nor reading this blog, but hey. thats life?!

Anyway, i should post, about how work is hell but funny, about how university is now confirmed. i should tell you about all the great things in my life like how i am me.
But im not, oh no.

Im going to write randomly, a scrible on the wall of life. Thats all i am, thats all the blog is, its a mark, a stain... a disturbance in the equalibrum which controls all of life. I hope im here, to upset stuff, to change things, to make things happen and to reap the effects, be they good or bad. What this means quite, i dont know. I only know that i feel something. There was a painting, "the scream". Its been stolen twice so far. Thats not my point, my point is the small lyric which comes with it.

I wandered along the road with two friends – the sun set – I felt a sort of sad breath of air – The sky suddenly turned blood red – I stopped, leaned towards the railing, dead tired – saw the blazing sky like blood and swords – the black and blue fiord and the city – My friends walked along – I stood there trembling with anguish – and I experienced a big endless scream through nature
The fact is, the painting its self, i dont respect. But sometimes, i feel that same scream, i felt it the other day in fact.... a few hours later, 2 russian planes crashed. I have only just realised this my self, im about to go check on a news site tos ee what time they crashed. I felt the scream at about 4:43pm GMT. i know this as i felt, it i told my girlfriend, i've felt this kind of thing before and tend to keep some kind of track of it. It hurts me though, it scares me.

OK freaky. 2 hours later 2 russian planes crashed in different places, at the same time =/

Anyway, everytime i read that quote, i feel a shiver... Just very strange.

Currently Listening to:
Word of the day:

-= Anon! =- Mail me! //

Tuesday, August 24

Cov uni

Im going to university! YEY!, i said i would write about what happened, and if i didn't then im sorry for repeating my self. But if you were a search engine, you would realise that this means that what im writing about is more important that the things i only write about once!.

It all started many yonks ago back when i started this blog. We (the students of the course) were told to do ucas forms, it was time to decide where we wanted to go. I was told to work out what courses i wanted to do, and where i wanted to do them... In the background the strong vibes which later meant i changed my decision at a split second could be heard, this vibes were of lecutures telling students that they SHOULD stay in the college, and that they would never make it at university. The number quoted to use, from a group of 18(ish) was that only TWO people in the whole group would do well at uni, and the rest of us might as well stay at college.

I at the time was very low and i took this to heart, i thought i could do nothing, and felt capeble of about the same. At the time i had older students telling me to go for it, from all walks of life, the one that finally made the difference, i remmber, was Amanda. She had been told like me that she wouldn't do well in university, and yet was enjoying it to the full. I knew her via my girlfriend and somehow see her as some sort of peer figure, for the fact that shes done the same route as me and i was following in her footsteps. She was also the odd one out of the group, choosing to stand out and voice her views as apposed to going with the crowd.
The final switching took along time, but i know now when i started to realise what i was doing. She came in one day and requested her work, as she needed it as she had a interview coming up. She had requested her work a few times before, and been ignored on all of them. After trying this many times to get her work, she asked someone higher up to help her, and then it was finally being sorted out, she went away some where forawhile and came back to ask for it. It was handed over to her, and then after the door, the comment of "Annoying stupid bitch" was said.

Now, i know people can have bad days, where everything goes wrong. But for ever Amanda had always had problems with this course, not that she didn't cause some of them, but some of them were defenintly NOT her choosing.

Anyway, this comment got me thinking, thinking so hard infact i started to see the cracks in the plan, i saw what the college was really like. This is what i discuss before... And then it hit me, i didnt' want to be here, i didn't enjoy it and it wasn't for me.
I decided i needed to do something different, after having my ideas of doing a Art Degree shot down, i went off this idea again *(i think maybe one day i might return)*. Instead i started looking at various courses, many of which were pretty crazy ideas, and then i turned around on something i had done for ages. I chose to do a course in something i enjoyed instead of something im good at.
I ended up chosing the HND in network computing. Which was kool and stuff but it gets even better now, i phoned up and rang in my results (After years of trying to sort that out) and the guy mentions that i have enought to do the Degree program instead. I mentioned that i had no previous experince in computing and he told me that i dont need it. How ever, i know that what experince i do have, should hopefully help \o/. So now im doing a dregree course and if i pass i get weird letters after my name!

Peace out people, still gotta set up P-radio tho =/

Mood: Happy
Currently Listening to: P-radio
Word of the day: MERIT!

-= Smiley! =- Mail me! //

Saturday, August 21


Once again i haven't posted for ages. Reasons which do not actually matter, i had a week of work. I played lots of . I just generally did fuck all, all week!

I just found a load of kool guys in quakenet, they are planning to run their own internet radio station. Looks like ill be allowed to join in too. If i am, and i think i will be, then ill hopefully use this as a place to drop reviews, links etc for you all to enjoy! is their website atm, but its still under work. Maybe visit them on #p-rock (quakenet) using

I have also modified lots of bits of my website, and in some places broke it also.

I need to look at buying a microphone for my PC, the one i have atm is off the old Cyrix 300. So thats kind of useless really. No pick up at all! Grrr!

Anyway, we shall see how this goes now.

P.S. I got merit merit pass in my btec, which means on monday or tuesday i can go down and get my place on the course!

When i have time i should really post the whole story about that, the phone calls and the stress, but not right now (and maybe never).

Mood: Happy
Currently Listening to: P-Radio!
Word of the day: PASS!

-= Anon! =- Mail me! //

Friday, August 6

Haven't done this in a while...

Mood: Happy.
Currently Listening to: Ash - Girl from mars.
Word of the day: Flake (don't ask why).

Hey, I just adopted a fetus!I adopted a cute lil' fetusfrom Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! how odd! Hmm, every one who writes in here always writes about something remotely interesting where as I write about how I adopted a fetus ¬_¬. Oh well, its better than writing nothing I guess.

I was reading this thing on the internet the other day which was advising young people to only eat fruit and vegetables and nothing else in order to not get spots =S. So you may not have spots but you would be anorexic. Yeah sure that's the answer, not. I do know a good way to remove all toxins though, you have to get about 20ml of sunflower oil and swill it around your mouth for 20 minutes (that's how long it for the blood to circulate around the body) and then all the toxins come out through your gums! I dont think it would taste very nice but hey!

hmm well I've got to go now. buh-bye xxx

-= Stacey =- Mail me! //

Thursday, July 22

If i promise, will you belive?

Hey all yo kiddies....

wait, thats what i say to suckers. Hum, (goes away to try again)

Hi everyone,

Tis tim, doing his "thang...". Nope, its not working is it? Your refusing to forget that i left you out in the cold of the web without a blog to read? Damn, im sorry....

I been doing many many things though, ranging from going to work, to spending hours gaming ( or even being stuck inside a pub til 4am.
Honest, its true! (ok i could of left the pub....)

Anyway some of us are really busy and that means i aint done anthing yet =/ no blog, no work, everything has been sitting on the sidelines. Hey, i know what, time for yet another start is it not ?

We shall see where this is headed from now on.

Mood: Happy but Wet
Currently Listening to: Buddas music...
Word of the day: Nuptual.

-= Smiley =- Mail me! //

Monday, June 21

Maybe this time its for real.

i wander, slowly tonight, i can hear the rumbles, wandering in the darkness. A clothlike cloud, shivers. Im ending.

But the end is only another begining.

Currently Listening to:NOthing at all
Word of the day: pinky

-= Smiley =- Mail me! //

Wednesday, June 16

Stress of exams.

Im currently remmbering all the stress that various people throughout my life have put me through, there is many cases of extreme stress which now, people are finally starting to relise can be unhealthy over a long period of time. The most worrying thing is the largest stress is the stree that ocoors at the times in my life where i need to be thinking the most streight. Anyone in their teen years will know exactly what im talking about, and most of us will of felt exam stress at some point of our lifes.

At the moment people are taking all sorts of exams, gcses (soon anyway), university exams, other tests from various forms of education. And the strangest thing? Is that most of these tests will prove nothing more than if a student has the power to memorise a book. The book in question is the book of answers. For ever exam there is answers, and should you be able to memorise enough of these then you will pass, even if you had only encountered the subject 5 minutes before.

This means, in my eyes at least, that exams are extremely flawed. Especially at what they are meant to do, prove (or disprove) a students ability to carry out tasks based around a subject they have studied. Whats even more stupid i find about exams is the way that they dont take into effect the circumstances in which the "tested" is placed. They by no way look at any skills that the "tested" has, and anything else which is effecting them on the day of the test. Such things can vary from injurys to other problems happening in the background. Many things can put you off in a exam and this is another reason why they are so flawed.

Whats really stupid is when the exam doesn't actually matter at all to the student, and yet it is pushed upon them by the school or college. When i say this i talk of the key skills exams, which you end up taking over and over again at different stages of education. There is other exams like these also. The problem i have with them is not taking them, but the way that teachers will push their students so hard to reach different levels in which they would not normally be aiming for. Also what annoys me is when schools and college know they will be inspected. And every student ever will agree with this, you will find that they change everything around the college or school, I know at my college (city college coventry) that hundreds of things changed, but the biggest was the way that we were caught, during normal day to day activitys we would have teachers leaving and re-entering the classrooms all the time, during the inspection they would not leave. We would be forced to have normal timed breaks, the teaching would change style also.

Anyway you start to see my point.

The food is burning and i must run....

Comments welcome! Anyone had the same?

Mood: Hot and Flustered
Currently Listening to: Muse - Flipp
Word of the day: Weeeee

-= Anon! =- Mail me! // is dead (for now) is offically down due to the fact that the nice guy that ran it can't afford to any more. Which tbh is a fair as enuf excuse as any. No one was paying him (directly anyway) so why are they complaining so badly?

If they are THAT bothered about a blog, then they should host it them selfs, like i do, with my website. Anyway, i think i might start playing everquest again (or evercrack if ya have heard of it ^_^). Just need to find a mini pack to get me started.... Problem is, i could order it from america for about £2, but then customs bang on vat etc and it takes awhile to get here also, so instead i hope to find it in town and buy it there !!.

Wish me luck

Mood: Melting
Currently Listening to: Cars outside amys window
Word of the day: Snot

-= Anon! =- Mail me! //

Friday, June 11

Damn i feel clever


1. got job at safeways
2. set up webcam on website ! ;)

check it out peepies!

YEY!, short post because im still working on the whole thing :)

Mood: Happy
Currently Listening to: System of a Down - Atwa
Word of the day: Wicked!

-= Smiley =- Mail me! //

Thursday, June 10

Where have i been?

Your prob wondering where i have been for the last few days, well if im honest, i dont even know, but that doesn't stop me making up some random story for your enjoyment. Lets see i have been to college, and now, for the first time ever. I have FINISHED a course. The fact that i have to go back on two more days, for a reason i dont know of yet, is partly random but i've still finished none the less. Now what else has happened? I've got a interview for safeways for a job. It could be ANY job at anytime doing ANYthing, which is kind weird really as im normally very fussy about jobs and such, which is prob the same reason i haven't got a job yet. But it looks like things are improving as such and hopefully this time next week i will be looking at a full job.

Also i've been adding franticly to the linkz section at the side, and we have some very kool websites for you to visit there, and incidently, it seems that this, plus my other website has somehow increased my page rank within google so that if you search for "djsmiley" then i am top! Not sure what happens if you add anything to that yet, must check.

Currently Listening to:The wind (about to turn music on now i noticed!
Word of the day: Stella....

-= Smiley! =- Mail me! //

Monday, June 7

Hi guys,
was in town today and met channy and mike. They were kind enough to imform me that my FMP (final major project) was due in this friday. Thats less than 5days! We have been being told that we had 2 weeks after the half term, now we only have less than ONE? Yet again you can see the ways that this course gets away with fucking us around, and we can do nothing about it. I guess even if my tutor SAW this i would get in shit for it. Its truely THAT bad.
So now i have a project, which i can't really work at home on. I have no one to help me with it really either. The person who will be in tomorrow knows fuck all about 3d and can't teach us anything about it or help us out with it, and no doubt he will be doing his own agenda anyway. Prob sorting out some work of his on the side...

So we are getting fucked around and im already guessing about 50% of us have a high chance of failier. Im hoping ill be alright as im good at this kind of thing, sorting something out last minute. But at the same time, i have to make sure i can squeeze the module list out of our tutor so i can submit it to UCAS so i can try and get onto the HND @ cov uni. Someone will have to truely wish me luck with that!

Damn im soo mad right now, and its not just me either. It seems a group of us (who would normally be "star pupils") are all having the same damn problem. Surely when its a problem this large scale, its not someone being awkward? But then again i know what this college is like. My bro knows someone who got stright A's in everything, he was int he same class that my bro was in. They both like top of the class students, yet the whole class didn't get higher than a C?! Appently their tutor forgot something and didn't teach it them.... yet no one does anything about it.....


Peace out
Smiley \o/

Mood: Angry
Currently Listening to: CPU Fan
Word of the day: Poo

-= Anon! =- Mail me! //

Damn im mad!

Hi guys,
was in town today and met channy and mike. They were kind enough to imform me that my FMP (final major project) was due in this friday. Thats less than 5days! We have been being told that we had 2 weeks after the half term, now we only have less than ONE? Yet again you can see the ways that this course gets away with fucking us around, and we can do nothing about it. I guess even if my tutor SAW this i would get in shit for it. Its truely THAT bad.
So now i have a project, which i can't really work at home on. I have no one to help me with it really either. The person who will be in tomorrow knows fuck all about 3d and can't teach us anything about it or help us out with it, and no doubt he will be doing his own agenda anyway. Prob sorting out some work of his on the side...

So we are getting fucked around and im already guessing about 50% of us have a high chance of failier. Im hoping ill be alright as im good at this kind of thing, sorting something out last minute. But at the same time, i have to make sure i can squeeze the module list out of our tutor so i can submit it to UCAS so i can try and get onto the HND @ cov uni. Someone will have to truely wish me luck with that!

Damn im soo mad right now, and its not just me either. It seems a group of us (who would normally be "star pupils") are all having the same damn problem. Surely when its a problem this large scale, its not someone being awkward? But then again i know what this college is like. My bro knows someone who got stright A's in everything, he was int he same class that my bro was in. They both like top of the class students, yet the whole class didn't get higher than a C?! Appently their tutor forgot something and didn't teach it them.... yet no one does anything about it.....


Peace out
Smiley \o/

Currently Listening to:
Word of the day:

-= Anon! =- Mail me! //

Sunday, June 6

Lies and pain, oh so much pain!

College for most people is paradise. Your finally freed from the pressure of school, the pressure of people watching over you constantly. Having those rules which for some reason exist, and yet do nothing but annoy. And then, there is the teachers. Oh how we all hate the teachers. Well sorry kids, somethings never change.

Ill start at the beginining. The very begining. Which would be when i was in 6th form. Nice enough place, but at the time i had stuff going on which generally meant i messed up big time, i also had chosen the wrong courses totally, i chose on what i belived was "right" to do, instead of what i wanted to do. Looking back i shouldn't of stayed at 6th form at all, i should of left as fast as i could. But whats done is done and we can't live in the past.

Then there was my first year of college, i had taken up a graphics design course, as i belived then that i could draw. I can draw, but only of things my mind can create, i can't draw acturate pictures of anything true. This also was a mistake but what didn't help was the attitudes of two teachers. Simon Gee and Robert Talbot. To be honest everyone belived that Simon Gee was gay, this didn't bother me at all as i dont care. What did bother me was the fact that he seemed to have something against me for having computer knowledge. Every week we would have a computer art course in which we would be sat in front of a computer and be made to copy what ever he created. It would come to the end of the lession and we would be told to save work etc etc. I remmber too different situations which caused us grief. The first i belive was the fact that people ran out of space on their network drives. This its self was a easly solveable problem - people just had to save their work in a compressed format which was uneditable, as apposed to the one which is default. I tried to tell simon this but his answer was to either delete old work, or store it on floppy disk etc.
The second problem was not one that Simon created but one which certinally could of been helped by him. I found that if you saved a .jpg directly to a floppy disk then it would cause the machine to crash. Now normally this wouldn't be a problem, you could save it to the hard drive, and then copy it over. But people had no more space on their hard drives, and if you tried to save the file as the default format it would be too big and fill the disk. Simon refused to belive me that the machine kept crashing and told me to keep trying (each reboot of the machine using up to 2minutes of lesson time). I kept showing him and finally he tried, to no avail, but he never did admit he was wrong.

Another pain in graphic design was the A-level art we were signed upto on fridays. On the first friday we were signed upto A-level art but no one told us this. We could of left the course (the art bit) at that very moment but no one bothered to make this clear. Even worse was the attitude of the lecturer, he would not allow the use of black paint "as it doesn't exist in real life". This was Rob Talbot btw. He never really showed us how to actively research into any art at all, and had us copying pictures from books or what other information we could fathom. He never bothered to explain how the course was actually laid out and so i didn't relise that we had 3 projects to do, each one with a workbook and a final peice. He had a general "im better than anyone else" feel to him and would speak down to everyone. He would very rarely praise anyone, and i was very surpprised when he did give me praise, once in 1 year with him twice a week.

I remmber we had a course meeting and i had been chosen as course student leader person, i actively mentioned the problems with the computer room etc and Rob Talbot said that he would look into it. Seems the replaced the computers, but sadly, they dont employ anyone at the college inteligent enought to know what computers we actually need. Yet more money wasted.

I finally left the course in the last week of the first year. I then went on holiday.

I returned and had decided that I was going to do Multimedia at Tile Hill College, i had lots of people here i knew doing it, and i knew i could do what ever the course asked of me. I joined the course and all seemed to be going well, but then things started to cause problems. We had such problems as:

- We would be told we have an assignment but never given (or given late) the sheet accomanying it.
- The dates for the hand in of any assignment would change (Seemingly randomly) to fit when ever the tutor wanted the work in.
- Attempting to hand in work early was not permitted, yet on the day of hand in we would be told that no one has completed the work yet.
- If ONE person hadn't finished a peice of work, the whole class would be left working on a finished project
- The students would be blamed for something other classes had done
- There was a incident where a student acidently changed the name of a machine, this then disabled the printer. The student was threatened with being thrown off the course. (and it was me, and trust me, this was something that i, and my friends did not know was possible).
- Tutors showed some serious lack of knowledge sometimes in programs they are teaching.
- One tutor would enter the lession, even every 5minutes to talk to another tutor. Disturbing the class and often taking the other tutor away from the class for long periods of time.
- Tutors seemed to have a massive LACK of knowledge about general working of the college, such as numbers for UCAS forms and the like (stuff you expect them to know).
- Sometimes tutor would not show up at all, leaving us to work on our own
- Sometimes no work would be set at all, we would be told "you have something to do" and i wouldn't for i like to make sure all work is complete.
- I was awarded a distinction for the building of a computer (pass level) and then i have never recived reckonition of this, as the lecturer left.
- Also many broken promises, we have been told many many times that we were going to be doing something and it called off, told that we would be getting something and it not happening. Also it seems that a number of illegal or dodgy pratices were taking place at the same time.

As well as this, we have the constant telling of us that we never meet deadlines, that we will all fail in university. Also we are subjected to a lack of respect to us. Recently we have been doing our FMP (final major project) which basicly dipicits our whole grade for the last two years. 90% of the students needed to film in the college grounds. Multipul times they were told that cameras were ready for their use when they wanted them, how ever when they asked for them they found they were either beening lent out to other classes or the battery had not been charged.
About 50% of the students were planning to do the HND, we had been promised many things from our tutor, and now our tutor is leaving, throwing out the doubt that we will get nothing of what has been promised, but now it is too late to apply to university or what ever.

I think im lucky as in im going to apply to university anyway. and god help the college if they dont help me apply.

Mood: Pi$$ed Off
Currently Listening to: Nothing #(the sound of the pc plus cars)#
Word of the day: Rabbit

-= Smiley =- Mail me! //

Disclaimer - You may not read any part of this site if you are Neil Maycock, Catrina Sellar or anyone who works for or is connected in anyway to City College Coventry. This information is purely fictional and may not be quoted at all without the authors written consent. You may not copy, paste, reproduce in any form this infomation without first asking my consent.

Weird dream last night

2 posts within 5minutes? wow!

I had a really weird dream last night. i dont know why yet, but normally i work out where my dreams have come from.

At first i was in some kind of theme park, it was about midday, it wasn't in the uk, i know that much. There was a castle and stuff lying around. A old man appeared, i think i was young again about 7maybe?. The old man was meant to be the old wizard out of harry potter. He asked if we were all ready and we agreed. He then announced that he was going to release the creatures. I then knew, that i had two creatures after me, they would not hurt me, but i had to destory them. It was some kind of game. I fell backwards into a bush, and the two creatures, rather like large fat fluffy dogs jumpped on top of me, and just kept me there. I did the spell for light, limumaris?. It did nothing, then i did another spell, i think the one that is the most feared in the books. It made one of the creatures go flying and the other one vanished. I quickly stood up, and ran off, i was running around this park kinda thing for awhile, then i saw someones else creature, i ignored it and kept going. I saw mine again and killed it (or what eva i did to it!). Then i headed off to find my mum, i found her walking around looking for a supermarket. I also found my girlfriend, Amy, there... Amy and i walked off for awhile and i showered her my wand, she took the mick and grabbed some twig and started waving it at me. I then walked off again, and i dont know where Amy went, i saw my mum. I was with my mum and we walked down past some shops looking for wilkosons. I relised that we had gone in the wrong direction. We walked back the other way. We reached what looked like a massive wall, and just at the top there was a opening, and there was a disco inside. I turned to my left and there was what appeared to be some steps down to the next floor down. But looking at them closer i relised they were just peices of wood, on pillars to make it look mexican. At the same time my brother had climed quite far out onto these. Also, a kid i know called sean began to climb onto them too, i knew they wern't attached so i told sean to come back. He tried to turn and started to slip. I shouted to my brother, and a big mexican came out of the shop next door, he saw what was happening. I dont remmber what happened then, but next thing i knew, we were at the bottom, and the mexican was climbing down holding shawn...

Then i woke up. What you make of that!!

Mood: Even hotter!
Currently Listening to: Marillion
Word of the day: Repeat

-= Smiley =- Mail me! //

BT Blocks child p0rn websites

Hey all, just seen on slashdot that BT, the main broadband and telephone provider for the Uk are planning to block child porn websites. I for one think this is a truely good thing, but if you take a wander over to slashdot, where i first noticed the artical, you will see that not everyone agrees. As always the web provides a large selection of different views on any subject, and this one, is perticually explosive.

But child p0rn is bad right? Yes, and it SHOULD be blocked. It seems that everyone agrees with this. And i think they rightly would. So why are they complaining? Well, to some, its the start of a long chain of events. First isp's block the child p0rn websites. Which i as well as many many others have said is a good thing, but some think that after this, other kind of sites will also be blocked. They belive that this will mean the end of porn sites, mp3 sites, warez sites (basicly illegal goods or software). Is this such a bad thing really?

Well, i see one very scary and stupid thing happening if they DO choose to block these types of sites. Its the people that started these sites whom are the ones that invent new ways of sharing this information. First it was programs, programs would be shared over the web and people could freely download them. Then came mp3s... this caused a riot as the industy this started to effect was not the same industy that would profit from them. (If people download a computer program, they need a computer to use it. If people download a mp3, they dont need a cd player). Then along came the paedophiles. They relised that they had the best network between them for sharing infomation, infomation in the form of pictures of children.

There is hardly any programs on the web any more, there is no mp3s either. Where have they all gone? Well they have moved onto other forms of transport, namely p2p software. The biggest one to blame here is KaZZa, but even this has ways of stopping such things as child p0rn, its still based around central servers (Supernodes and a backbone) and so it can be filtered out. When kazza shuts down (which one day it will, or it will suffer a long slow death). We will move onto new technologies, some are appearing already, such as bit torrent and others. But each time, less and less people seem to use them or even know about them.

What worries me is if child p0rn is stopped at the level of the web, its going to end up traveling via other routes. Yes, please block the sites, but at the same time, you are going to have to fight the people publishing it in the first place. You cannot just stop the end user and hope that the problem will go away. What ever happens dont let them create their own network which no one will be able to find. If at the moment Suprnova only gets 10,000 constant users that is such as small part of the web. Imagine how easy it would be to hide a child p0rn ring, with a new program which no one uses. I hope this doesn't happen, it would be truely scary.

Mood: Hot
Currently Listening to:Blood Hound Gang - Yummy Down On This
Word of the day: Chuck

-= djsmiley2k =- Mail me! //

Saturday, June 5

A bit of history for you

Heres a comment i just posted on someones website, they were talking about drepession etc.

"Hum, there is more to life than sex....

And thats just the start of the fall. Problem with relationships is that people want them for different reasons. Some people just want a compainion whom you can enjoy stuff with. Everything is so much better when there is someone else there to enjoy it too!

Now about the drepression.... This is a long scary subject which now, im sure im one of the most experinced people in the UK to talk on it. WHY?, well because i had acne and so was eventually prescribed some really strong drugs, so strong infact that they small warning leaflet that came with them had a warning, "blah blah may cause death"... Now thinking about it, thats truely scary.

Anyway, these drugs were mega drepessants. At first i didn't notice and difference, but its when i look back (it was over a year ago now) i relise that i was just getting lower and lower. I didn't notice as it wasn't effecting me in ways i expected. But i became very very drepressed. But my acne cleared up and i stopped taking them (prematurly too). Appently i should of gone to the doctors alot afterwards to check i wasn't falling into drepression (but i was so drepressed that i didn't care at the time).

I lost my sex drive, i just wanted to sit in my bedroom all day and do nothing else, i would eat maybe one meal a day, i wouldn't sleep, maybe a hour anight, i would stay up all night on irc (internet relay chat) talking to people about my problems... i would wake up very early and continue to talk to them, some nights i wouldn't go to bed at all. i was falling into some kind of dream world where nothing mattered. I then quit college, 3days from the end of the first year. I had already given up inside, as it was the wrong course for me, but this made it offical.

Weeks past as i was just as low as ever, we went on holiday and i still can't remmber any of it, i just remmber not caring. It was like i was dreaming constantly. (i think this would be a side effect of the drug, but not sure still). At the end of the holiday i decided i needed to go back to college, and to work out what i was going to do.

I decided to do multimedia as i knew loads of people already doing it. THings started to look up but still i had this dark cloud hanging over me. Towards the end of the first year, it go worse. I wanted to quit college, i really really didn't care. Anything would be better. I finally went to the doctor and they eventually gave me some antidrepessants..

They did their job, but they did it too well, when before i was in a dreamstate which had no feelings at all, i was now in a dreamstate where every feeling was multiplyed 1000x over. I made my self happy by thinking happy thoughts, but some times, it would creap back, espeically late at night, the darkness would remind me of the place i used to hide with no feeling.
For about 3months i took the drugs, i should of taken them for 6 appently, one day i just flipped and decided i had to stop. They were scaring me, they were making me into someone i wasn't. I took the drugs, smashed them up and threw them down the drain.

My point? Feelings are normal, but sometimes they get too strong. We can get help and it DOES work. But sometimes the help we get can be worse than fixing our problems ourselfs.
If anyone ever takes antidrepressen's i wish you good luck and warn you to be very careful. Make sure you have someone close you can talk to, someone who will notice when its going too far.

And in the end, you ARE in control.


Damn its a long comment eh? Its just part of my long dark history :)

Mood: Fuzzy
Currently Listening to: Virgin Radio - Football, rock and roll (Now playing Bon Jovi)
Word of the day: Cabbage

-= Smiley =- //

Friday, June 4

What to write!!

Hey everyone!
Well, I dont really know what to write! I was going to write about music or about stereotypes or something like that, but isn't that the sort of thing everyone writes about?!? Well I thought so anyway, so I thought I would Just write about random things lol. Well heres something random Thats a really quite funny website which my friends made about a guy called Ben who we don't like lol! I am part of the FMK(forget me knott) team ^.^ but I'm not ment to tell anyone lol, oh well I've told everyone who reads this now! Make sure you visit it becaus it is very funny indeed!! I hope it will be easier to think of stuff to write in here after I have written a couple of times...well i'm not to sure what to put now lol so i guess this is where i say bye bye xxx --peace out--.
Mood: Happy
Currently Listening to: Nothing...I'm watching the TV
Word of the day: Heabba! (Heabba is what Heather's, my friend, Japanese Grandmother calls her lol!:p)

-= Stacey =- // Forums - Daily Topics Forums - Daily Topics...... This page, used to be the page i frequent the most, more than any other in the history of web surfing one might say. At least, in the history of my web surfing. Every so often, my habbits on the computer, mostly the sites i check on, the ones i read, the news i care about and the stuff i ignore. Well, it changes, i find new links, delete old ones... Stuff falls into the past and will never return. This is strange really, and over time, you gather more and more links, all of which become equally important. But sadly, this one no longer is. I wont delete it yet, for all might be fixed, but i think not, i think as i explain, you will also come to understand why i have no more faith in this.

This link, is to a forum. The forum is part of a project, to hopefully help find a cure to cancer, and other desises which effect humanity. I think this project and all projects like it are a great idea. Im not at all saying that no one should not try to take part, nor am i saying that any one project is better than another. I am just stating my reasons for change, and what has caused this. I strongly urge anyone that likes the idea of helping out humanity to either contact me, or look @ the links i provide (or just search google.) and at least then, if they feel that they would also like to join in something, so great that i cannot still comprehend how far some people go to do this.
I now hear a question being asked "what is this project he speaks of?", well the project i did personally was run from a site called and basicly it run a small client on your computer.
This client uses idle CPU time (i.e. unused computer power, and only unused power. this will NOT lag your machine), to do mathmatical computions. It works through blocks of data, looking for patterns or other signs (each project is different) and when its finished, it sends the data back. This is a very simple explaination and more infomation can be found on the site where the project is run from.

For over two years i ran this project, on over 30 machines *(totaling about 5years cpu time)*, at the same time as running the project, i was a member of the forum. This forum was hosted by the company that produced the software. Now, on the forum there was a constant battle going on... basicly there was people asking for a linux port of the software, so they could run it on their own linux machines (its currently windows only). It seems that everytime someone requested a linux port they were shot down for even concidering the idea. This annoyed me some what, but the comany that owns the client we run, we have to bow down to them dont we?....

So two years later, 5years of cpu time later.... Something weird starts happening with my clients, they keep going strangly wrong. I dont know why, but they just keep aborting over and over again. Over the 2years, many times had this come up on the forum, most of the time it would be worked out, someone would be overheating their machine, some dodgy ram etc. Normal problems which dont effect the adverage pc user.... but sometimes, this would happen, and no matter how much we tried, in the end, the only answer we got was "well it sometimes happens and we dont know why"... I know, as a programmer and long term computer user that this isn't possible. There is no program, (except one which writes random code) which would cause a problem so erratic that no one could fix it).

It was this "theory" from UD (the company that created the client) that got me thinking. Why bother creating something and then not really supporting it? Why create it so that it could only really be used by a small propition of the amount of people who wish to use it? I sadly only came up with one answer and that was, when the press look at them. No matter what, they will be connected, the fact this company created and runs a cancer research project... And we all know how much that effects people.

its quite possible that they cannot afford to fix the client, but if this is true, make it open source, make it so we, the users can fix it. And dont tell us any more excuses, because finally, we have had enough.

BTW at the moment i am currently running Seti, a project which is basicly looking for aliens, i know it wont save lifes but at least if this dont work, i can get it fixed. Until i find a project better supported than (i have tried folding@home and find-a-drug too.)

peace out all.

Thursday, June 3

New added extras for the blog

Hi all
How many of you have heard of "open source software"? Not many i would guess.. and i bet even less of you actually know what it means? Basicly its when a company has a program they have created, and the choose to let the public see the code which creates that program.

Now, at the moment, there is massive war going on between many different companys, IBM, Microsoft, SCO, Linux (not a company i know!!) etc.... The start of this what that SCO claimed that linux had stolen part of the code from their much loved Unix.

Now, if this was found to be true, it would mean that SCO have the right to charge everyone using linux. So what you ask? Well, linux is free. Its a free operating system. FREE? yes, free as the air. Problem is its normally very large and difficult to download (unless you have a nice fast internet connection, i can download a Distro in about 5hours).

What is even better though is that linux is open source. This means that anyone can view the code. If anyone can view the code, then anyone can debug the code. It means you have a much better program, one which is safer, more reliable.

Also as you can see, i've added an extra bit at the bottom here, to tell you my mood and such ! :)

Mood: Bored
Currently Listening to:
Word of the day: Willy!

-= Smiley =- //

Wednesday, June 2

Big Brother

Big brother is now appently evil? What a pile of ol' SHITE!. Its the most stupid claim i have ever heard. For if big brother was evil, well it would truely put people to the test the way that some of the other reality tv programs do. (dont worry, i hate them all!).

But like, they claim its evil, and can no one see what they are trying to create?

A evil place would not have:
A jazzcuzi,
Massaage mats
Oils and such,
A oven, fridge and other kitchen stuff.
BEDS! (at all)

It would have NO outside, a toliet in complete darkness.

No windows, flat grey walls, small as possible.

Common C4, you can do much better than that!!!!.

And another thing to cross my small broken mind is that, how come teachers get holidays? yet students dont? People say "oh you have loads of holidays," and yes we do, but the teachers get those holidays too. So when you break it down and think about it, the teachers are in less than any pupil!.

Stupid really.


peace out!

-= Smiley =- //

Friday, May 28

Illness controls all?

Right now i feel really fecking ill, im still in college how ever. When i leave (should be @ 4:30pm, but i think might be earlyer) i will be off for a week. A week of relaxing? Nope, a week of hopefully hardcore programing with busting more infomation into my brain than ever before.

I should explain, i decided early last night that i DO want to go to university. I do what to do a computer course (i have finally got over the problems i had back in 6th form which scared me away from programing). I think i want to do this course. Basicly i love computers so much, its stupid of me to not really try and do something along these lines.
Problem is i should of appied months ago, but back then, i DIDN'T know i wanted to do ANYTHING like this, combine this with the fact that i had my course organiser saying that i wouldn't do well in uni, and it wasn't for me. Put me off totally.

But now, i've seen a light, university IS the way forward, i can also get a job at the same time, i can teach my self more programming in my spare time when i have a chance also! Its like, all the peices of the puzzle have finally come together. I finally know where im going and i never saw it happening this way. For once im sure about what i want to do, i want to run large corprate network, with massive cisco server racks. Lovely!

I guess its all about not letting people hold you back, hell its about telling them to shove it, and getting what you want, you do only get once chance, one chance in a lifetime, to do what you truely want to do. SO many times i've chosen what is easy, what im good at, what seems right. Now i choose different, i choose what i WANT, what i enjoy, WHAT I AM!.

ANd slowly i become that of which i've dreamed. In the future... i now have a aim, Write my own O/S.

Peace out!
-= Smiley =- //

Thursday, May 27


I never would of belived that choosing which programing language to follow would be so hard.... But oh it is! Most of the problem stems from the same problem we see throughout scoicity, which belives "if i support something, you should too". We see this commonly enough with football teams, if you ask someone what football team you should support, they will say the one that they them selfs support, even if this would be totally impratical.
Also you need it in the linux community, linux comes in different styles, known as "distros", and 99% of the time, people will tell you to use the one they do, at least some of them try out different ones and so have a more rounded view.

So i want to go to uni, and i want to start on some sort of computer based course, but currently i have no programming skills (even tho i run my own website, and run its webserver too).
So i set out on a search to start programing, At first i said i was going to learn C, as i've heard of it before, and know it is used in industry. (no point knowing something no one cares about?). Anyway, talked to a few guys on irc, and they tell me that C is quite hard for a begininer, and suggest some other alturnitives. Then there is a little arguement about all the langues, they end up saying Java *(because you can learn it for free)*... and tell me to get a book. Seems the book will cost me ~£34. Atm i dont want to buy a book i just wont use.

Now i have got a copy of Visual Basic 6. Hopefully this will help me working out if i can DO vb, and if i can, then help me create something useful :)

Peace out!

-= Smiley =- //

Monday, May 24

i really dont know....

I have no idea what i wanted this blog to be about, and i guess that means i shouldn't "really" blog. I guess, but then again, no one ever reads it, so maybe i shouldn't have a blog at ALL? But i do and i will :p

Ever had the feeling that you really SHOULD be somewhere?, spent the day with amy and nina today, gr8 fun it was. Met ninas "bf" who seems pretty kool, and im sure, with time we will get on fine, (he seemed to love my dancing when i potted a ball in pool ;)). Myuaahahah, and i lost both times :(.

Well anyway, eventually it started getting late, and i just had this weird feeling i get sometimes, that i should go home. But never before have i ever been able to tell someone, who would also "See" if something happened. As so to know that i wasn't making it up. Anyway, was walking back through town and met one of amys friends, who i knew from the year above me in college (which still sux btw). Anyway...... she said shes got a interview for a place which is a online bank, cahoot? i think its called... Anyway, she got the offer from a recuitment agentcy, and now i've also applied there! woooo go me!.

So hopefully something will pop up in the right department :p

Peace out \o/

-= Smiley =- //

Sunday, May 23

Poor friends....

Damn, just heard that my friends Kirsten and Richard have split up, that so SUCKS! :(.

Damnit, i remmmber i was working in bg many many years ago and they came in together..... I guess its not meant to be? I wish them both the best, and want to let them know that im here for both of them.

Life really sucks sometimes, it just all builds up, just at the wrong time, and really gets you down, it sucks you down so much, you think there is no escape. And sometimes, it takes months to find away out.... Sadly, some people chose the wrong way... I hope that no one ever does that i know, and that they know that i will be there for them no matter what.

-= Smiley =- //

Friday, May 21

Bones eh!

Would you ever belive it?

There is me worrying about how the feck i am going to animate worms in lightwave (a 3d modeling program.) and its finally worked, about 4hours and a day later.

All because someone who made the program decided that it would be a good idea, to totally change how the whole structior of the program worked. It seems this is a great idea now, just rewriting a program so that no one knows how the hell it works!. We just gotta hope now that M$ jump on that flagship too, and do the same.

Maybe then poor ol' Linux will have a chance, being free and all. Thing about linux i find nice is its gentle evultition over time. Instead of every so often something going

"WOOO we have rewritten the whole code and it doesn't work anything like it used to. But dont fear, we haven't provided any help and you MUST upgrade today as we left hundreds of security flaws in the last version, oh and did we forget to mention that we will be stopping support of the old version?"

Sounds familiur? Well, its the windows story, and yet so many people flood to use it. Linux is FREE, just try it! This is a CD of linux you can download and it wont do anything to your machine, just so you can see linux working. But due to that fact, it is slightly slow :)

I fully advise everyone to check it out, just to see the difference.

peace out and FREE SOFTWARE!.
-= Smiley =- //

Start of a new day, Same old shite!

Once again in college, sitting here wondering to my self what to do. I HOPE i finish this, i fuking better after all this time!. Talk about blood sweat and tears. Its reallly grinding me down hard... So i've been trying to work out what i want to do after college. I have basicly 3 choices.

1. Do teh HND.
2. Try for a Uni via Clearing
3. Get fulltime job

And right now, n.3 sounds the most promising to me. I actually hate this college now, i hate the people in it and i hate the way it is run. i feel that i have been blinded away from making certian choices by people in the college, so to make sure i stay. Well im affraid it didn't work quite right. The amount of times i've been told "univeristy is not for you".... Well, maybe not in the current suitation, which involved working with people who never meet deadlines. Now, when that happens, you also lose the will to meet any deadlines fullstop.

Being taught and looked upon as kids, where no one has respect for you. I'll give you an example. About a week ago, we were in 3d, now these rooms BOIL but legally there is NO limit to how hot a room can be before you cannot legally work there. So we all head off towards teh cantine, to get some food. Now normally on a friday there is very little food anyway. We got to the door of the cantine, push, and the bloodly door is locked. Fair enough maybe, we head down the shop, its closed TOO. Ok... can machine. NOPE, thats broken !.

We have been left, with a basicly dead college (i think we are the only class left in the college after 3pm) no source of liquid refreshment or food. (The water in the area is stupidly hard, so much so that its not even clear ^_^ ). We ask wtf? And get told..... blah blah. We are treated like kids, and they expect us to work like adults?

Its 3D today, so i might end up writing more later today, who knows :).

Peace out!

-= Smiley =- //

Thursday, May 20


Its strange, how ever much you sleep, you always get tired.

Ever wondered how come teachers get holidays from school ~(paid ones i mean, not the half terms etc)~ yet pupils get killed for missing a single day?

Kirsten is going to beat me up for eating food thats going to kill me. I guess im doomed then, these days everything is deadly.

Im so very tired, had a shit day at college, and nothing to really look forward to. Which causes my brain to melt etc....

I might head into town tomorrow, or write something funky on here, who knows!

Peace out.

-= Smiley =- //

Wednesday, May 19

Weird days, hot nights....

CV's, bloody hundreds of CV's, or so it feels like....

I skipped the day off college, to see if i could find a job, seems no where in cov is looking :( so instead i tried to print off some CVs and take them in. Printers packed up. Friend of mine, kirsten comes to the rescue she prints 10 copys for me :) Damn shes gr8!. Anyway, says shes meeting my friend ian in town, i end up coming along too, fun for all the family ^_^. Anyway, blah blah, went round town, handed them to people.

Had a McDonalds, and normally when i have McD's, i have some kinda crazy alergic reaction to the stuff in them, but this time, it went one step further. I choked properly, and couldn't breath, i had kirsten opposite me, so i didn't want to spit it out (or kinda puke it up) so that she wouldn't want to eat... so i made my way, staring at the celeling, choking, to the toliet. Ran into the first one and kinda did my business. Weird thing was, i started seeing weird sparkly things infront of my eyes. That kinda freaked me out abit.

But i recovered quickly enough, well, i tried to finish my meal, but i just wasn't having it. So i gave up promptly.

Gave out more CV's, and eventually came home. What a wonderful life i lead! :-D

-= Smiley =- //

Tuesday, May 18

My Ruin Gig Review (16th May 2004)

Writing in college is never a good idea, but hopefully i can atleast "start" my review of one of the greatest gigs i've ever been too.

The line up was of 3 bands, My ruin and two guests, The Suffragettes (who havn't played at all in this tour, but i dont know who replaced them) & Walls of Jericho. It seems also My Ruin had invited some old friends of theirs, Labrat.

First of all, i must mention both mine and my girlfriends stupidity, we had arrived hours and hours early (we were there @ 2pm and it wasn't going to start til 7pm!) and we were discussing what we wanted to eat, we decided that we should just walk slightly up the road, and check out if the fish&chip shop sold cheeseburgers (i love em!). As we were walking towards the fish&chip shop, i got something in my eye, ash i think. Anyway, i was half blinded stumbling along the road, hand over one eye, when i notice that some people had dressed up very well for the gig, so well infact that they were perfect replica's of Miss.B, Mick Murphy and Yael (yes thats the correct spelling ;)). Only after we turned around, and watched them walk towards the doors, to be mobbed by the 10 or so fans there did we relise how stupid we had been, but we SAW THEM FIRST!.

The first band to play were already playing when we entered the building. They were Labrat, (btw i haven't checked this link yet, will do later) a combination of Soulfly roars, slipknot curses and various other styles combined in this band, i only had time to hear two songs properly by them, but in those two songs, they got me going good, i remmber closing my eyes, and i truely felt like i was the only person in there, a gig all to my self. Sadly they had to leave quickly as they were never meant to be playing in the first place :)

Second Band i heard would of been Walls of Jericho, these guys, using a duel vocal style, one guy hitting the higher notes (not as high as Linkin but you get the idea, and the other roaring his brains out. A nice band with a nice style, but i tend to feel that the songs they produced were too long (some felt like they went on for hours) and/or most of the songs sound too much like the last. This could be because i haven't yet addapted to their vocals and can't really make out much of the lyrics, if so, a fair band!. But for now, they are gud, but tbh they play slightly less.

The third band to come on was a female vocal, with all male instumental. i didn't catch the name, nor i didn't like style. i would say old skool punk with a mix of something else, which i just couldn't fix. How ever they did have a funky fan base, who would do even scarier dancing that i, this involved spinning their arms around like windmills (airobics anyone?) and doing flying leaps and kicks through the air. Combine this with the fact that we are talking BIG guys, and you get the general idea. Seems these also had played with My Ruin before, and had veen invited back.

Now to the most inportant, and hardest part of the review. To put into words, the power and... fury that went into this show (and it was a show, not just a proformance) which made it truely different from anything i had ever felt before. I felt awe, and still, 3 days later as im writing this, i still feel that same awe, that same passion which pushes me harder in everything i do. I belive that, what i felt that night, was something truely stong, truely pure. Someone with a love of music, proforming to people who want to hear it, and no matter how it was played, to each and everyone of them, it was perfect. Also, but strangly normal in this situation was the fact that, My Ruin didn't sound like their albums, but even better that them, the albums lose some of the fresh pure talent poured into them. (maybe this is what people who say CD's dont have perfect sound mean?). There is many many ways to try and discribe this gig, and i have tried the simplist, telling you what i felt, but this isn't good enough on its own.

So now i leave you some instructions.
1. Download some my ruin tracks. (terror, tainted love, miss ann thorpe)
2. listen to them when your in different moods, see how they make you feel.
3. if you enjoy, BUY THE FUKIN ALBUM, just one, one album is enough.
4. if you like this also, go to a gig.
5. like me, fall in love with something that will hopefully never end!.

-= Smiley =- //

Sunday, May 16

My Ruin!

Later on, in a few hours, ill be in the steamy hot sweatyness only known to some as a mosh pit (*or maybe i wont, if i dont feel up2 it*), but for now, i leave you with just their website :-D Im gonna enjoy this awhole lot more than you are :D.

Peace out!

-= Smiley =- //
Right ok, now that has changed, I guess so much I, and as I change, so much the blog that I write.

In the past, so many promises of things I will write, and never get around to doing, such as the A-Z of Alcohol, but no, no longer will you be told that something will be coming, and it not actually happen. I promise that if I now write that I WILL do something, then it WILL happen. Now, other day, the weirdest things started happening.

Firstly I'm just standing in town, the night before I had been really restless, and in my dreams, I saw a selection of people whom I hadn't seen for ages, and when I say ages, I'm talking MORE than a year, people I went to college with, before I left that course, and even people from my 6th form. Fair enough just a weird dream, but then, when the next day you are standing in town, and one of them appears, to tell you she is in the worse situation ever. *(Got a overdraft, got a loan to pay off overdraft, lent someone the loan)*. And all you can do is stand and watch, you suddenly start to realize how powerless, us as indiviual actually are. We are controlled by systems put in place, and we have no power to change them, no power to rebel against them, the best we can do is to ignore and not use them, but unless EVERYONE does, we wont get anywhere anyway :(.

Anyways, so I meet her in town, we talk, etc its all good fun meeting old friends, at the time I'm just like... "Ok that's weird"... But I think nothing more of it. Then on Wednesday night we go to the pub \0/. After a few hours of lovely Jack Daniels and other drinks mixing in my stomach, I get my normal dehydration symtoms and so go in search of a refreshing soft drink, I was searching for something cooling to quench my first, what I didn't expect to find was 3 of my old 6th form friends.

Now this still, is all fine and dandy to most people, and even I can believe this would happen, but when it comes down to the fact that only one of the would normally talk to me, one would talk if I spoke to her first, and the last one, well she would NEVER speak to me normally, and especially if she was on her own. And they start talking, talking between them selves and to me. Which is really weird. Now, only one of these girls was truly "alternative" and this was the one who would never talk to me, bare this in mind.

The whole idea behind alternative was the idea that anyone could be accepted, no matter whom they were, as long as they did not cause any pain to others.

Now the third girl is sitting there, looking at me, saying "I'm trying not to judge him, but I just remmber how he used to be", referring to me. This I can accept, as its ever so hard to "re-judge" someone, even thought, I never should of been judged in the first place, as she never really knew me.

Part of this story is lost in the past, this girl had a sister, she was aged 15 and she sadly died in a Car accident near where I now go to college, I think this has really really effected her in a way most could not cope with.

The next time I went out, well, it was even stranger, saw her again, this time with only one friend, we talked, then she started talking to me on her own, I asked her why she never spoke to me before and she said "I tried, but you were always too drunk!", and I know for a fact, that this isn't true, as I don't normally ever get drunk,.... (what the hell is going on in her head?). Anyway, pub finally closes and we are all chucked out, Amy is running about talking to everyone in a mad drunken stooper. I go and talk to them both, and she says "please don't judge me, you will think I'm a drunken idiot", which I don't, and never will.... But I think, I hope, I want to talk to her while she is sober, so I can get to truly know her... I think maybe, she will even understand me?

So peeps, a new start, a new post ! Lets let rip!:)

Also, I have been playing a lot of a game called gunbound lately, a kool little game, a bit like worms, the only way to really describe it is if you go and play your self, its free, so what are you waiting for?

I've also been playing War Craft 3, I got a copy the other day, and its good fun! :) Not a great fan of statigy games my self, but this one has elements of RPG to it, which keeps it good fun! :)

-= Smiley =- //

Tuesday, May 4

Ah fek the A-Z of alchol, its time to PARRRRRTY. Lets see, firstly we have the Sassna worm spreading like wild fire throughout the world! Its pwning hundreds of computers every second, and the weirdest thing is, it doesn't seem to actually DO anything except for spread. Now if thats true, whats the point of it? Someones experiement gone wrong, and released into a wild ?,This is a very possible problem, as teh "blaster" worm was acidently released, and the kid that released it never expected it to have any effect at all. I got gmail account and that rocks! :D :D :D

-= Smiley =- //

Wednesday, April 28

Just created the A-Z of alcohol, will post it here soon ^_^

-= Smiley =- //

Sunday, April 25

tim u smell funny!!!

-= Smiley =- //
-= Smiley =- //

Wow i just got a gmail account, if anyone really really wants one, ask me

1GIG of storage!

Saturday, April 24

Damnit, i just wanted to be happy, to trust, to know, to feel the way someone else feels. To know who i am and what effect i have upon the world.

It never works out, it never never does. If your reading this, you know who you are, what did i actually do ? Please let me know..... bye.

Saturday, April 17

Soulmates, weird weird ideas. What are they all about ? A friend? A lover?...

Many people have had different ideas of what a soulmate is, including me, and over time the idea also changes. Some people love their soulmates, some have them as just friends. No matter how you are connected, if you find a / you soulmate (and find it is, very hard to find) then you are truely blessed.

I think most people need someone to fill in the postion, most commonly assicoated with soulmates, and that is the postion of someone you can talk to, to talk extensivly with about any subject, no matter where you are or what your doing. You soulmate would always be happy to listen, to reply, and to concider what ever you say, no matter how strange nor inpratical it may sound.

Someone who is always there, someone special, someone..... who to you, is the future of life. The future of where you want things to go and who you would like someone to become. Weird thing is, you may end up becoming more like your soulmate, and them more like you, than you could ever imagine.

So is having a soulmate fun? I think its the most fun anyone could possibly have, having someone that thinks the same as you, laughs at the same jokes as you, and just generally enjoys being around you, must be fun! :D

Enjoy life guys! and gals!

Wednesday, April 14

Tuesday, April 13

QDB: Quote #142934Hahaha, this for anyone that doesn't know, is a Quote, from "surposedly" real life quote from a chat room run on IRC (or some other familluar chat program)...

The fact that some people STILL belive that you can have long distance charges on the internet is amazing :D And as you can see, funny also for everyone watching. :)

I will post about disney land, and the past few days at some point, but atm i really dont have time nor energy.

Thursday, April 1

Hehe im so great, 2new pics one only useful to people that understaND IT, And the other is a april fool, even that only applys to people that understand it too i guess. Nm :)

PC Chart

-= Smiley =- //

Wednesday, March 31

MSN Member Directory <<< Hahahah wtf, we can't access it now?


Hahah omfg hahaha :D

Sunday, March 28

Well firstly, the party last night was shit, not anyones fault, just amy got ill and peeps decided it would be better to leave. Big thank you to them coming out anyway!

Website is all over the place, i have to get hold of US.Robotics to try and get them to change this router, as i know something is messed up with it, im just not sure what!. Basicly when my isp drops their dns server for more than a second at a time, the router stops requesting infomation from the modem, generally locking up the whole internet, weird thing is the lan still runs, but you can't get to the admin section of the router! (How strange!)

Anyway, now.... im looking at getting some money via small time programming on the side, writing small useful programs that help, and sell them to someone i've heard about.

Peace out peeps! \o/

(btw i feel better still but still not perfect!)

-= Smiley =- //

Saturday, March 27

Some more editing done to make sure you can see where One post ends, and another begins, This is especially important as my brother tends to do enoumus posts which take over the whole world!
-= Smiley =- //
My bro has joined up so he SHOULD be able to write on this blog now !! :D

I done new logo on the site, check it out!! RED!

Wooooo i dont feel ill no moreish, which is a good thing! :D

Arg i love cherry cola!


-= Smiley =- //
-= YiffyDragon //

13th March 2004: 03:03am

{Mood} Expressive, Worried
{Music} {Savage Garden- Mine}
"You don't have to die to leave my world, stand still and you've departed"

Wow, that's an interesting time to be writing at. Just noticed. :) Hey people. I guess this is my blog, just started off. I used to have a website but I guess this is gonna be different, probably coz it's not meant for entertainment, just for me to, well, blog...
Well, I went out tonight. Haven't been out too much lately, been at home alot, but maybe I prefer that. Not too sure. Anyways, I was on the net and I ran into Kerrie, and she invited me out, so what the hell... we were chatting about AS exam results and stuff for January.
I got an A and a B for English Lit and Psychology, but what really fucked me off was that somehow or other I've managed to acquire an E for English Language. This fucks me off. Alot. Not just partly because I have revised like a warthog for that exam, but also partly because the whole year of AS students have not managed to get an E or higher in that subject. That indicates that my lecturer is retarded in some way, because out of numerous people she's seemingly not managed to get one of us to extract even a little smudge of intelligence in our exams.
This leaves me with a dilemma. If life was easy, I would believe that my lecturer for English Language was a moron and did not have a brain. This isnt true, however, because my lecturer for English Lit happens to be the same person. The lecturer who got me 84/90 for my literature exam has managed to get me a pile of dog shit (ie. language results papers) for my other subject. I would like to say that the result she has managed to give me for my lit would make up for my language exam, but frankly it doesnt. Unless she changes her ways and explains to me in some kind of digestible manner how the hell she has fucked up in such a catastrophic way, I will probably quite reliably ensure her guts are fed to my non existent pet crocidile in the coming days.
Anyhow, yes. So me and kerrie chatted about that. After Kerrie, who found out she had done equally bad drowned her sorrows, the place of commiseration and condolence was named. We organised to head off to the dog, ie. local shithole which sells booze and allows drunken frolics. It's a small little place, and generally houses a lot of retards. Yeah, I'm not too fond of the general crowd that go to this place. I guess it's kind of like known as a place for the 'alternative' crowd to go, the emphasis being on the fact that people know it to be 'alternative'. This consequentially means that a large percentage of judgemental fuckheads either label it as a shithole, or turn it into one. What i mean by this is that either the 'fashion followers' gossip and cause a bad reputation, or the people who go there, go there because of this label and thus these people are usually the ones who are pretty lame, ie. the ones who consider fashion or appearance to generally be an important part of life. They go to this club because they believe this will maintain their appearance or reputation, or something like that.
Anyhow, this thought kinda came to light in my head while standing in this club nursing my wounds of recieving my English language result. After a bottle or two of the finest alcoholic trash the 'Dog' has to offer, I guess the tunes and musical notes of the place took grip and I managed to enjoy myself.
But, as is typical sometimes of going out clubbing, especially at venues such as this, an immense feelin of sadness came over me. I guess the positivists of the world could put it down to alcohol... ie. relying on previous experiences of alcohol themselves. But I dunno, I guess I have these kinda feelings about this kinda stuff at other times as well. In the lights and stuff of that kinda disco environment, I tried to glimpse a sense of reality and all I see is people in society needing to do this kind of thing because of the daily stress of life. I see people portrayed as mere consumers of some nightclub business. I see the way alcohol fuels business, economy and lifestyle. I see teenage pregnancy, and teenage socialisation at it's most prominent. I don't really see true happiness or relaxation. I see broken bottles and blood, tears for lost love in some cases and the endless, perhaps hopeless search of so many people in the lights and disco bulbs for a true love, or someone in life to wipe away their problems.
This place isnt gonna give them that.
Anyhow, I join the crowd. I guess the issue of conformity kinda means I'm not gonna kick up a ruckus and describe my feelings of non-belonging or exclusion. Instead I request two bottles of the very nice VK apple and a malibu and coke for Kerrie. The barman proceeds to tell me I'm underage and that he can't serve me. I am shocked by this; the 'dog' is famous for letting in people as young as 12. I happen to be 17.
I then realise the cognitive framework behind his facial expression, which by the way, resembles a warthog. This geezer knows my brother and probably didn't get on with him very well. Thus, by seeing his little brother, wants to cause as much trouble as possible at non other than my expense. He pulls me to the side of the bar, and suggests, quite forcibly, that I could possibly be less than eighteen years old. I point out that his face suggests he has the mental age of three. He scrunches his face up and ignores my comment. I proceed to tell him however that I admire his cunningness in the context that he has recognised I am related to my brother and that he can recognise facial similarities; i also tell him that if i were to see a pile of dog shit in the next couple of days, I would use the same amount of cunning and recognise the similarities between dog shit and him.
He tells me to follow him to the boss of the nightclub, where he can decide whether I am allowed to stay in the club or not. I do feel the need to remind you that I am 17, and although in legal terms I am underage to be in the club, approximately 50%/60% of the children in the 'Dog' are underage, and that is no lie.
Anyhow, we reach the boss. This involves climbing a flight of stairs back to where I came in. The boss seems fairly unconcerned about his worker's moronic behaviour, and tells me to bring my ID (proof of age) next time I come to the club. On finding out that I don't have to leave, I push the worker down the stairs. Fuckface.
The night was a long one. It's probably felt like one of the longest I've had- I'm not sure why, perhaps because I headed out at 8pm. Since I went into there at around 10pm, and it finished at 2pm, 4 hours can be a long time.
4 hours of enjoyment or whatever we will call it, but I dunno, also education. Each time I go out I discover more and more what I am perhaps meant to be at this age; anti conformist but conformist in the context that I recognise conformity and so act as an anti conformist because of it. In essence, I am remaining a conformist because the definition of anti conformist is detirmined by acting out the opposites of conformity. In the lights and disco bulbs I also watched the endless cycle of teenage communication, I watch the cycles of human after human following regulations and recommendations put out by our government; I watch how people subconsciously react to the environment around them. I watch people behaving drunkenly whether they are or not, because they are in an environment that permits it; I watch glass fly where it would not usually, because it permits it. I watch sexual conquests ensue simply because, in this club, it is permitted. The animalistic nature of society has always baffled me.
Amazingly, and perhaps very 'geekily' the foundings of Freud (a psychologist) hover over my mind. This is because I realise, by watching this stuff, I am causing conflicts in my mind. By watching these people and realising they are really just acting as natural animals I am defying the commonly spread view, and realising the untruths, that humans are dignified and extremely sophisticated structures; not necessarily true for all of them. This conflict between newly realised truths and former beliefs is one of the conflicts that Freud describes as the recipe for mental difficulties; the theory that conflicts in the mind detirmine personality or perhaps cognitive (mental process) difficulties in the future. Thus, realising subconsciously that humans are no way near as dignified as we like to believe will cause a problem for me later on, probably when it comes to stuff such as socialisation- I have shallow beliefs in the quality of human morals. We are merely animalistic. To some extent, all of us.
Well, anyhow, the night comes to an end. After a fair few drinks. Kerrie is fairly drunk so I walk with her out of the dog and wander through town for a few minutes before finally managing to hail down a taxi- I only regret afterwards that I did not pick up a cheeseburger that I intended. I realise that perhaps this does not matter too much- I have food at home- besides, I ate pasta salad and pizza during the night... I shouldn't have even been hungry. But still, I have some damned urges for a big munch on a cheeseburger. Call it defiance, maybe of what I'd already seen that evening. I dunno how a big munch on a cheeseburger can do anything to change that- perhaps it even strengthens the idea that when in anxiety or uncertainty animals turn to energetic restoration- ie. food. But either way, nothing psychological or even physical (my stomach felt fairly boozed up) was gonna stop my urge to eat cheeseyburgeryness. Still, £3 is too much for a burger and 300 metres is too much to go to another food venue. Thus, I went home in the taxi with Kerrie.
It was a quick journey, I live close to town. Exactly what Kerrie said.
That girl interests me. She's amazingly uninfluenced by anything tainted which I think is cool. Thumbs up for someone who lives for herself.

I have accidentally missed one or two college days quite recently. I think this was due to the stress of the exams; I do not like exams. I am worried about the summer exams, particularly after my english language result. I worry that I may somehow make a mistake like that during the summer and consequentially acquire a diabolical mark- this is a major worry because I base my life expectations and aims on my academic profile.
I question whether college is pushing me as hard as it should- I observe perhaps too many people failing where they should succeed, or people succeeding where they should shine. Thus, I worry continuously whether I would be doing better elsewhere; I can by all means revise my heart out on my A levels but if the very material and context that the information is being taught in is wrong, then perhaps I'm seeing my educational life in a way that is going to affect my results nontheless.
I feel misinformed- I feel like I do not know exactly what I am aiming for- I also feel that one or two of my lecturers in college are not giving me the information I need and this could have a catastrophic effect in the summer. The english language result scares me- it seems practically immoral that I can feel the full force of bad or misinterpreted teaching that has not been detected and so recitified.
I do not deserve an E and do not want it; I tried so hard. It nearly brings tears to my eyes that so many hours of hard work can be for nothing- time is precious to me. We have desperately little of it in the world.

I am tempted to explore some other people's journals- people who write generally usually have more substance to their character than the average person I meet. If people want to write stuff down it is generally due to psychological overload- you no longer want to have to deal with stuff in your head and so if you can put it down on paper in a way which is good is feels more organised and consequentally less demanding, both in terms of stress and happiness.
I long to find a girl like me in this way; someone who sees things the way I do. I desperately need a companion to communicate with; to unleash my fears, doubts, my hopes and conquests on the world. I need someone who makes everything I say beautiful. I want someone to make my world go round. At the moment it bumps, and curves, and doesn't even follow any correlation.
I have a girl in some of my college classes; she is exactly the opposite of what I would ever look for, but she amazes me because she is so bright in the most abstract way. To the education authority and to everyday people such as me, she seems both unintelligent quite often and unconsiderate- however, at times, if u look closely, the girl has an amazing brain.
Anyhow, enough of her, because I'm not really meant to know her or anything. Ha, hard to explain.
I remember when I fell in love with Katie- I've never quite been sure why. Now I feel idiotic for it- especially as she had nothing to offer me. I struggle to find reasons of why I did and so it troubles me- I fear things such as my genetic formation will detirmine who I adore and so I have no control over who I love- if this means I do not fall for people who could be perfect for me, then once again it's animalistic nature that's making me pay the price for being a human.
Maybe I should be a puppy. They love everyone.


Mood: Tired... More Relaxed.
Music: Savage Garden- Moon And Back
"She can't remember a time when she felt needed, if love was red then she was colour blind"

I don't appear to have got to sleep yet. I remember questioning whether to or not; the advantages of going to sleep are that I feel more energetic tomorrow, however it would put my body clock way out of sync. The advantages of staying up are that I can get a good sleep later on tomorrow night, however I will be tired all during the day, meaning I might not get a lot done. Ah, decisions.
I have only just really realised that I have a genuine and still strong love of Savage Garden- they must be destined to be a lifetime's favoured band. They probably join Muse and many other bands that I have not discovered yet. I see in music what a lot of people do not- genuine emotion, perception of life and psychological process formation. What i mean is, how different emotions come out in different people. Like, a child does not express their feelings the same way an adult does. Thus, music is character, and character in the context of levels of development, tone, and an indication of the person themselves.
This is perhaps why many people have so many features in common with their idol or someone they look up to; psychologically and in the world they live in, they are similar in some forms of perception.
This does not explain however, why I have the same damned initials as one of my heroes., and two of the same names. However it wud b untrue that my only hero is Matt James Bellamy- I think he only resembles a success dream that I have inside of me- and i think its important to recognise different things in life- thats why my other heroes are also my mum and my brother- i think personality wise I do not connect as well with my sister or my dad, tho I love them both dearly. I think my sister is spoilt and I think my dad is over analysing- but we all have our faults. I do too undoubtedly- I think I am inconsiderate sometimes and much too lazy at times. I also think I get my priorities wrong and am not reliable enough.
However, there are brilliant things about my family- we are all destined for good things. Although my sister is spoilt she is thoughtful, and very perceptive- although she can be shy, I think she is a smaller version of me- but feminine. I think she's still developing and hasnt found herself yet, truly.
I think my dad worries too much- it's much nicer when he's happy a lot of the time. Too often he can be stressed- I think he can sometimes take life too seriously. He can be the best though- in the right place at the right time, dad can be invaluable. He's headstrong- you know he won't let you down. Ah, i love the bloke, though it's hard to show him. I have a feeling that as I get older, my dad is gonna turn into a whole new figure in my head. I think my dad is still yet to show me the absolute best of him. I feel like i'm waiting in eager anticipation. What a complex character.
I perhaps feel sadness occasionally when I think that I've had an alright relationship with my dad but we've never been majorly close- he's been a reliable figure in my life but has never been my best friend- I think it's to do with the age difference. I see me in him- except I see him as something I could be, but choose not to. I think he is the content person with the life he has, whereas I am still searching. I think he has made his judgements on the world and is acting by them, whereas I have not yet and instead choose to analyse inner instinct and question my own morals when making judgements. Thus making me a highly self-analyzing character and him a person who is not- he looks on the world whereas I look on myself a lot of the time. Thats why I think that in time, me and my dad will become more and more familiar with each other- I think we have so much time left. I feel sorry for him sometimes coz I don't think he gets things which bother him out properly, which probably causes him problems sometimes. When I see him happy it makes me happy, because sometimes you can never tell. Love you dad.
My mum- she's the well of brightness. Nothing will ever wear my mum down- she's absolutely wonderful in that sense. I love my mum more than life itself- she's undoubtedly the most precious thing in my life- she's been my inspiration all along. Maybe some day I will have the chance to tell her properly just how influential she has been- I know her brightness and enthusiasm shines in me and I am eternally grateful to her for it.
And finally my brother. My brother is perhaps the one in so many ways I feel the most sorry for. I know my brother has experienced shit in his life and I ponder whether he has had to miss any experiences or chances in life because of it. His hurt is my hurt- any scenes which I have witnessed where my brother has suffered stick deep in my head- it fuels my anger and energy towards the evil of the world- to my brother I am eternally grateful for that- in his own little way I have managed to see good succeed over evil in such a down-to-earth way that it's hard to explain how he has been so influential. He's shown me that I can do anything. thanks bro, you're the best buddy a brother ever had. I'll always be there for you.

I feel an urge to buy some all-stars trainers. This i am curious of- I know quite certainly that they are not my style. However- I feel a drive to not let anything in life restrict me and so I should go for it, whatever people say. Call me weird for seeing buying a pair of shoes as a big thing, but I guess my character creates expectations from other people. I'd probably be expected to explain myself. For that very reason, I want some. I want to see what I will say.
Please do not judge at this point that I am buying these trainers purely for this point- I am not that naive. I like them- and so I should aim to do what I would do in any situation where I am not influenced- I should buy the trainers I like. Two fingers up to judgemental fuckheads.

So, what colour to buy- I really do not know. I struggle with shopping- I hate buying individual parts of clothing as I never know what I am going to mix them with in terms of clothes. I like clothes because I see it as similar to an art form- I kinda consider that different to 'fashion followers'. These people generally tend to take fashion as an icon, and not an experiment.
I like to see what I can do with colours and styles- I think it's cool to look nice. I think we should all take pride in our appearance, in whatever way we like, whether it means dressing neatly or messily, cleanly or dirtily, basically whatever we like. As long as we are proud of what we look like I think it's cool- I think it's good to like yourself for what we are- because we can't change that.

I'm looking through the selection of all-stars trainers and I want to buy a basketball-style pair- they're kinda brown with a little star on them. I think they'd look nice with my cords. :) Not that I know where my cords are... they've vanished for quite a while. Maybe my mum ate them. She has a hunger for laundry.
Speaking of parents, they're in Germany at the minute, enjoying a nice weekend. I'm really hoping they're enjoying themselves, I think they've had a fairly stressful time recently, for many reasons. Money hasnt been as comfortable as usual and one of my uncles died fairly recently- although I didn't know him that well, my mum kinda did, and especially my aunt- my mum has had to be there for her I guess.
I can tell that I'm drifting from subject to subject now, thus, I am extremely tired. I'd rather talk about stuff half interestingly, so I'm gonna stop for now. I hope I made an interesting start to my blog. I'm liking this style of writing more than I imagined. It's pretty cosmic. :)
Peace out buddies :)


Mood: Restless, Worried, Comfortable
Music: The Streets- Turn The Page
“they shed tears in the dark after six dark years; young bold soldiers; the fire burns, cracks and smoulders”

Later in the day. I managed to get some sleep, though I was restless even when I went to bed. I’m not really exactly sure why I couldn’t sleep; too much booze? Nah, I didn’t drink a lot. A bit of a headache meant that like I was uncomfortable, but I dunno. I always think too much if I’m not doing a lot with myself.
I had weird confused dreams; it is ironic that on the night I start writing I have dreams that actually seem to make a little sense for the first time in quite a while. I haven’t dreamed quite so vividly in quite a while anyway- interesting.
They seemed pretty sexual- but not in the erotic sense. They were full of like, emotion and a sense of pride or something. I dreamt that I was a really important figure in society. I never really did find out what, but I joined a hall full of other people who were of some significance in the public eye. My description does not get close to what I actually experienced- it was a brightly lit hall, really massive. It could have fit about 5,000 people in there on seats. They were really close together.
Anyhow, I seemed to know the people around me and I seemed to be wanting to make a good impression. I think this is because I was new there- perhaps new to some kind of organisation or community. It seemed astonishingly posh- one or two of the old men and women I was sitting next to and chatting with were very old, and evidently very rich. I felt people’s eyes on me, and I felt happy because I felt I had gone somewhere and achieved something. While sitting there obviously being an important figure in life and meaning something, I seemed pretty comfortable.
Then it started to become a little vexed- Little shadowy figures started flying by the seats. They appeared to be dropping what would be called sweet sherbet down onto the seats. Because the two or three seats on my left weren’t taken, the sherbet figures kept on missing my seat and going around me onto the next row. Then one must have spotted me, because instead he stopped and started dropping this stuff down on me continuously.
It gets crazier. Well, for whatever purposes of the dream I ate this sherbet stuff. It tasted pretty good. Next thing I know I’m off my feet and I’m floating around this hall to my heart’s content. I hover swirl and glide to my delight, and I hear cheers from the crowd below me. After starting to have difficulties landing, I manage to maneoveure myself cleverly by doing a massive 45 degree curve dive back into my seat. Followed by more massive cheers.
The next thing I remember is being in this hut- like, a large room in the middle of nowhere. The surroundings seem to be fairly desert or jungle like- I remember sand being on the floor. This part of the dream makes me squirm a lot, and for many reasons.
Although I have a feeling a lot happened in this part of the dream, I can only remember smaller sections of it. I remember it as if I was enjoying an afternoon in this environment. I am hanging in this hut with my friend. Because of what happens in the dream, I can’t really say who the friend is. Anyhow, I am hanging in the hut (this part of the dream is pretty vague) when I turn around and one of my best buddies is standing there. After a brief chat that I can’t remember, another male comes into the hut making 3 of us. The shocking part is when my friend and him start making out. The part that confuses me here is I know that I am definitely 100% heterosexual. I find it amusing to see gays playing around in my dream. The next weird part is that I am extremely certain that the friend I talk about is not gay- this makes me giggle.
Anyhow, upon this scene happening in the hut, I decide to exit- I run out of the door, and the first thing I notice that I have to dodge on the floor is cockroaches. Filthy, huge ones. I run and run for a while from the hut, obviously knowing in my dream that I am heading somewhere meaningful. I reach there, although I cannot remember the exact details of it now. All I remember is that when I stop, and look down, my feet are covered, absolutely seeting with cockroaches. It is like my feet are made of them. This does not seem to dawn on me- for some reason, perhaps I have seen this image before somewhere and it does not alarm me immediately as I do not realise they are cockroaches straightaway. I then start thinking about why my feet which wud usually be a browny grey in the jungle and black, and kind of scale-like. I fall into a spiral of panic and start tearing at my feet. This is the most uncomfortable part of my dream.
Once I manage to get them all off, I remember starting to run back to the hut. I run as fast as I can, fairly scared that more cockroaches may attach themselves to my feet. There is a massive pile of them outside the hut- I have to dodge them with careful moving of my feet.
On entering the hut my friend is there- but from this point in the dream the other person seems to have vanished- he longer even appears again in my memory while I sleep. I ask my friend if we want to sleep in the hut. I remember looking to my right and down about 20 degrees and seeing a single cockroach leaning against a rock. I suggest to my friend that perhaps it isn’t such a good idea sleeping here because of the cockroaches. He agrees.
The next part of my dream that I can remember is being next to a swimming pool- I am diving in and swimming end to end underwater. I think I am trying to impress people- but I do not know why because no-one is watching. There are about three different pools, tho I canot remember whereabouts each one is placed. I remember going to dive into one and a guard or someone similar tells me not to- the water isn’t deep enough. I agree readily, and manage to find another pool in a matter of a couple of minutes. After hitting the water and the moments after, my memory leaves me, and the entire era of the dream disappears. Everything ends. The water is so refreshing, my conscience feels free. No, I am not having an orgasm. This is a completely clean dream.
I remember coming up for air and seeing something important, but I cannot remember what.
I only remember a little extra of my dream, although I also find it massively significant. I know I dreamt before the bit I can now remember at this stage, but for however desperately I want to remember what came before it I can’t. All I can remember is rushing into the back room of my house, to the downstairs computer, where a girl who I used to love with all my heart and soul is trying to use the computer, or something. We have a joke about something, and I pick her up, and spin her round. We laugh.

I wake up, and the last image I have in my head is her laughing. It hurts, because it brings up memories of her. I remind myself that my situation is not like that, I do not know her anymore. Neither do I want to. Defiance?
Nevertheless, the reminder of long lost love rings dismally in my mind.


Mood: Confident
Music: Duran Duran: Ordinary World
“What is happening to it all, crazy some say, where is the light that I recognise… gone away”

I’m having a troubled day, but I think it’s getting better. Probably due to the night before I’m facing mental challenges in simply getting up and getting stuff done that needs to get done. I remember a few days ago my friend charlotte telling me I worry too much; that for my age I place some things way too seriously on my list of priorities. I thought about this for a while; and maybe she was right. But it did also occur to me that it appears to be because I have something set in my mind reminding me just how important I consider this stage of my life to be- I know that what I do now is gonna have an massive influence for the rest of my life. So, whether to study or to enjoy myself? I try to do both, and then realise that that merely makes me paranoid of neglecting one or the other. Because of this, I sit and do nothing instead, creating more anxiety because I know I am getting nothing accomplished.
Then the more rational thoughts dawn on me. I remember that I have a life, intelligence, and that I am only here once. I remember that I need to enjoy myself while I am here, and that whatever happens, if I see the best of things and try my best, then I can never hit rock bottom. I guess we sometimes place our perception and appreciation of life at the bottom of the Thoughts pile.
Thus, I feel a little better now; I know that at some point today I am going to get some stuff done, and that I cause myself pointless anxiety. I hope my parents are enjoying themselves in Germany.
It’s occurred to me that I’m writing a lot in this blog; I think it’s doing me good. Never before really have I found an effective method of self-expression, and this seems to work fairly good. The fact that people read my blog only increases my likening of it, because I know I can either offend, bore, piss off or maybe make someone smile coz of it.

Saturday 20th March 2004: 10:16pm

Mood: Fairly Stressed Out.
Music- Savage Garden- I Don’t Know You Anymore
“We don’t talk much anymore, we keep running from the pain, but what I wouldn’t give to see your face again…”

And the song ends. I’ve found that, that I can’t really write very well if I’m listening to music- it puts me off. I kinda end up listening to the notes, and often writing about meaningless crap- ah, happy days.
I’m surprised I haven’t written for a week. Hmm… maybe I’m not. It’s occurred to me that lately, everything I do seems to take a while. I think I’m going through a battle with teenage hormones… the part of me that doesn’t want to do anything, and the part of me that does. It seems that I know what I want to be doing all the time, but actually doing it always causes me a problem.
This cider tastes fairly flat; I’m not surprised as I think it was left over from last night. It looks similar to urine, but perhaps there’s a little bit of lemon juice in there.
Windows Media Player is now on permanent silent- it’s ruining my concentration. Shame that I have to actually concentrate to write, but that’s the way it is.

Hmmm, quite amazingly (and by complete coincidence) I happened to have another very strange dream last night. I’ve been dreaming a lot lately- although I’m remembering very little of what I have dreamt afterwards. Dreams interest me- it’s all cognitive psychology.
My dreams always seem to come from restless sleep- ie. The kind of sleep that is when I’ve mostly woken up but can’t really be bothered to get up, and so I end up dosing for another couple of hours. This is when I seem to have crazy dreams- perhaps it’s because it’s only about the last two hours of dreaming that I remember. Who knows.

There was a lot more to the dream, but all I can remember now is I had another yucky dream about sex. A girl and a boy I know were doing nasty things, and it was in my bedroom- except it was messed up, my friend seemed to have gone psycho, she didn’t care….they completely don’t go together and god knows why I dreamed it.
Then the next thing I know is that I’m dreaming walking along a road with Alex, my friend… I can remember vaguely what the street looked like, and it seemed familiar to me, although I know I have never been along that street before. I remember chasing Alex for some reason, and then vaguely Alex chasing me at some point for some reason as well, and then, I kinda realised in my subconscious I was dreaming, and tried to make some sense of it- and then my memory went.
The next thing I remembered was being on a skateboard, rushing down a busy road. I seemed to think I needed to be heading somewhere- and quickly. Anyway, I was with another person, who now I do not understand why he was in my dream. It was a really narrow path, and not exactly a road, nearly 100% of light brownish concrete- it looked very similar to the subway that leads into town via Hill Street, in Coventry. Except, it was that steep but nearly never ending- and lorries and cars I kept on missing, and I knew I could hit something any second- and then my memory went again.
And then for the craziest part of my dream. The bit that was really like, nasty, that is completely abstract and dream like but seems to make sense.
I dreamt of a kid I don’t know very well now, called Brad. We appeared to have travelled on these ‘skateboards’ to a really dark underground place- it seemed instantly sad- perhaps desperate. It was dark, and damp- and Brad seemed to be rushing for something. Something seemed to be on his mind.
Next thing I know, loads of people are around us. Brad is screaming for them to leave him alone- he says he wants out of this place. He says he doesn’t want to be down here, he wants to go back to normal, back to the light.
A girl, who I can only vaguely remember, sneers. She is of a dark figure. It seems to occur to me at this point that Brad is suffering from some kind of addiction. Tears stain his eyes and he weeps desperately. The girl leans close and whispers in his ear.
“Give up Brad, join us down here, you’ll be happier here.”
Brad tries to fight back at this point from the hovering figures. It seems like he is fighting his own battle.
“Nooo…” he weeps, as the light from the passage we came in seems to be getting further and further away. It seems that Brad knows that he wants to be back out of here, back into the light, but he can’t, the thing he craves for holds him back, he seems a mess, he can’t do anything for himself.
I look at the figures that stand around in silence, and they seem creepy- they remind me of heroin addicts who have been completely overtaken by desire for intoxication. Except these seem creepy- I imagine them to be mentally scarred in a way I can not explain- I feel a massive, ever falling world down in this darkness that they know they will never be able to escape.
The figures get closer, and whisper in his ears more. I see Brad’s willpower fading, and I wonder if he’ll manage to get back to the passage and the light, or whether his addiction will take him over. My dream cut out at that point… I remember no more.

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