Friday, May 28

Illness controls all?

Right now i feel really fecking ill, im still in college how ever. When i leave (should be @ 4:30pm, but i think might be earlyer) i will be off for a week. A week of relaxing? Nope, a week of hopefully hardcore programing with busting more infomation into my brain than ever before.

I should explain, i decided early last night that i DO want to go to university. I do what to do a computer course (i have finally got over the problems i had back in 6th form which scared me away from programing). I think i want to do this course. Basicly i love computers so much, its stupid of me to not really try and do something along these lines.
Problem is i should of appied months ago, but back then, i DIDN'T know i wanted to do ANYTHING like this, combine this with the fact that i had my course organiser saying that i wouldn't do well in uni, and it wasn't for me. Put me off totally.

But now, i've seen a light, university IS the way forward, i can also get a job at the same time, i can teach my self more programming in my spare time when i have a chance also! Its like, all the peices of the puzzle have finally come together. I finally know where im going and i never saw it happening this way. For once im sure about what i want to do, i want to run large corprate network, with massive cisco server racks. Lovely!

I guess its all about not letting people hold you back, hell its about telling them to shove it, and getting what you want, you do only get once chance, one chance in a lifetime, to do what you truely want to do. SO many times i've chosen what is easy, what im good at, what seems right. Now i choose different, i choose what i WANT, what i enjoy, WHAT I AM!.

ANd slowly i become that of which i've dreamed. In the future... i now have a aim, Write my own O/S.

Peace out!
-= Smiley =- //

Thursday, May 27


I never would of belived that choosing which programing language to follow would be so hard.... But oh it is! Most of the problem stems from the same problem we see throughout scoicity, which belives "if i support something, you should too". We see this commonly enough with football teams, if you ask someone what football team you should support, they will say the one that they them selfs support, even if this would be totally impratical.
Also you need it in the linux community, linux comes in different styles, known as "distros", and 99% of the time, people will tell you to use the one they do, at least some of them try out different ones and so have a more rounded view.

So i want to go to uni, and i want to start on some sort of computer based course, but currently i have no programming skills (even tho i run my own website, and run its webserver too).
So i set out on a search to start programing, At first i said i was going to learn C, as i've heard of it before, and know it is used in industry. (no point knowing something no one cares about?). Anyway, talked to a few guys on irc, and they tell me that C is quite hard for a begininer, and suggest some other alturnitives. Then there is a little arguement about all the langues, they end up saying Java *(because you can learn it for free)*... and tell me to get a book. Seems the book will cost me ~£34. Atm i dont want to buy a book i just wont use.

Now i have got a copy of Visual Basic 6. Hopefully this will help me working out if i can DO vb, and if i can, then help me create something useful :)

Peace out!

-= Smiley =- //

Monday, May 24

i really dont know....

I have no idea what i wanted this blog to be about, and i guess that means i shouldn't "really" blog. I guess, but then again, no one ever reads it, so maybe i shouldn't have a blog at ALL? But i do and i will :p

Ever had the feeling that you really SHOULD be somewhere?, spent the day with amy and nina today, gr8 fun it was. Met ninas "bf" who seems pretty kool, and im sure, with time we will get on fine, (he seemed to love my dancing when i potted a ball in pool ;)). Myuaahahah, and i lost both times :(.

Well anyway, eventually it started getting late, and i just had this weird feeling i get sometimes, that i should go home. But never before have i ever been able to tell someone, who would also "See" if something happened. As so to know that i wasn't making it up. Anyway, was walking back through town and met one of amys friends, who i knew from the year above me in college (which still sux btw). Anyway...... she said shes got a interview for a place which is a online bank, cahoot? i think its called... Anyway, she got the offer from a recuitment agentcy, and now i've also applied there! woooo go me!.

So hopefully something will pop up in the right department :p

Peace out \o/

-= Smiley =- //

Sunday, May 23

Poor friends....

Damn, just heard that my friends Kirsten and Richard have split up, that so SUCKS! :(.

Damnit, i remmmber i was working in bg many many years ago and they came in together..... I guess its not meant to be? I wish them both the best, and want to let them know that im here for both of them.

Life really sucks sometimes, it just all builds up, just at the wrong time, and really gets you down, it sucks you down so much, you think there is no escape. And sometimes, it takes months to find away out.... Sadly, some people chose the wrong way... I hope that no one ever does that i know, and that they know that i will be there for them no matter what.

-= Smiley =- //

Friday, May 21

Bones eh!

Would you ever belive it?

There is me worrying about how the feck i am going to animate worms in lightwave (a 3d modeling program.) and its finally worked, about 4hours and a day later.

All because someone who made the program decided that it would be a good idea, to totally change how the whole structior of the program worked. It seems this is a great idea now, just rewriting a program so that no one knows how the hell it works!. We just gotta hope now that M$ jump on that flagship too, and do the same.

Maybe then poor ol' Linux will have a chance, being free and all. Thing about linux i find nice is its gentle evultition over time. Instead of every so often something going

"WOOO we have rewritten the whole code and it doesn't work anything like it used to. But dont fear, we haven't provided any help and you MUST upgrade today as we left hundreds of security flaws in the last version, oh and did we forget to mention that we will be stopping support of the old version?"

Sounds familiur? Well, its the windows story, and yet so many people flood to use it. Linux is FREE, just try it! This is a CD of linux you can download and it wont do anything to your machine, just so you can see linux working. But due to that fact, it is slightly slow :)

I fully advise everyone to check it out, just to see the difference.

peace out and FREE SOFTWARE!.
-= Smiley =- //

Start of a new day, Same old shite!

Once again in college, sitting here wondering to my self what to do. I HOPE i finish this, i fuking better after all this time!. Talk about blood sweat and tears. Its reallly grinding me down hard... So i've been trying to work out what i want to do after college. I have basicly 3 choices.

1. Do teh HND.
2. Try for a Uni via Clearing
3. Get fulltime job

And right now, n.3 sounds the most promising to me. I actually hate this college now, i hate the people in it and i hate the way it is run. i feel that i have been blinded away from making certian choices by people in the college, so to make sure i stay. Well im affraid it didn't work quite right. The amount of times i've been told "univeristy is not for you".... Well, maybe not in the current suitation, which involved working with people who never meet deadlines. Now, when that happens, you also lose the will to meet any deadlines fullstop.

Being taught and looked upon as kids, where no one has respect for you. I'll give you an example. About a week ago, we were in 3d, now these rooms BOIL but legally there is NO limit to how hot a room can be before you cannot legally work there. So we all head off towards teh cantine, to get some food. Now normally on a friday there is very little food anyway. We got to the door of the cantine, push, and the bloodly door is locked. Fair enough maybe, we head down the shop, its closed TOO. Ok... can machine. NOPE, thats broken !.

We have been left, with a basicly dead college (i think we are the only class left in the college after 3pm) no source of liquid refreshment or food. (The water in the area is stupidly hard, so much so that its not even clear ^_^ ). We ask wtf? And get told..... blah blah. We are treated like kids, and they expect us to work like adults?

Its 3D today, so i might end up writing more later today, who knows :).

Peace out!

-= Smiley =- //

Thursday, May 20


Its strange, how ever much you sleep, you always get tired.

Ever wondered how come teachers get holidays from school ~(paid ones i mean, not the half terms etc)~ yet pupils get killed for missing a single day?

Kirsten is going to beat me up for eating food thats going to kill me. I guess im doomed then, these days everything is deadly.

Im so very tired, had a shit day at college, and nothing to really look forward to. Which causes my brain to melt etc....

I might head into town tomorrow, or write something funky on here, who knows!

Peace out.

-= Smiley =- //

Wednesday, May 19

Weird days, hot nights....

CV's, bloody hundreds of CV's, or so it feels like....

I skipped the day off college, to see if i could find a job, seems no where in cov is looking :( so instead i tried to print off some CVs and take them in. Printers packed up. Friend of mine, kirsten comes to the rescue she prints 10 copys for me :) Damn shes gr8!. Anyway, says shes meeting my friend ian in town, i end up coming along too, fun for all the family ^_^. Anyway, blah blah, went round town, handed them to people.

Had a McDonalds, and normally when i have McD's, i have some kinda crazy alergic reaction to the stuff in them, but this time, it went one step further. I choked properly, and couldn't breath, i had kirsten opposite me, so i didn't want to spit it out (or kinda puke it up) so that she wouldn't want to eat... so i made my way, staring at the celeling, choking, to the toliet. Ran into the first one and kinda did my business. Weird thing was, i started seeing weird sparkly things infront of my eyes. That kinda freaked me out abit.

But i recovered quickly enough, well, i tried to finish my meal, but i just wasn't having it. So i gave up promptly.

Gave out more CV's, and eventually came home. What a wonderful life i lead! :-D

-= Smiley =- //

Tuesday, May 18

My Ruin Gig Review (16th May 2004)

Writing in college is never a good idea, but hopefully i can atleast "start" my review of one of the greatest gigs i've ever been too.

The line up was of 3 bands, My ruin and two guests, The Suffragettes (who havn't played at all in this tour, but i dont know who replaced them) & Walls of Jericho. It seems also My Ruin had invited some old friends of theirs, Labrat.

First of all, i must mention both mine and my girlfriends stupidity, we had arrived hours and hours early (we were there @ 2pm and it wasn't going to start til 7pm!) and we were discussing what we wanted to eat, we decided that we should just walk slightly up the road, and check out if the fish&chip shop sold cheeseburgers (i love em!). As we were walking towards the fish&chip shop, i got something in my eye, ash i think. Anyway, i was half blinded stumbling along the road, hand over one eye, when i notice that some people had dressed up very well for the gig, so well infact that they were perfect replica's of Miss.B, Mick Murphy and Yael (yes thats the correct spelling ;)). Only after we turned around, and watched them walk towards the doors, to be mobbed by the 10 or so fans there did we relise how stupid we had been, but we SAW THEM FIRST!.

The first band to play were already playing when we entered the building. They were Labrat, (btw i haven't checked this link yet, will do later) a combination of Soulfly roars, slipknot curses and various other styles combined in this band, i only had time to hear two songs properly by them, but in those two songs, they got me going good, i remmber closing my eyes, and i truely felt like i was the only person in there, a gig all to my self. Sadly they had to leave quickly as they were never meant to be playing in the first place :)

Second Band i heard would of been Walls of Jericho, these guys, using a duel vocal style, one guy hitting the higher notes (not as high as Linkin but you get the idea, and the other roaring his brains out. A nice band with a nice style, but i tend to feel that the songs they produced were too long (some felt like they went on for hours) and/or most of the songs sound too much like the last. This could be because i haven't yet addapted to their vocals and can't really make out much of the lyrics, if so, a fair band!. But for now, they are gud, but tbh they play slightly less.

The third band to come on was a female vocal, with all male instumental. i didn't catch the name, nor i didn't like style. i would say old skool punk with a mix of something else, which i just couldn't fix. How ever they did have a funky fan base, who would do even scarier dancing that i, this involved spinning their arms around like windmills (airobics anyone?) and doing flying leaps and kicks through the air. Combine this with the fact that we are talking BIG guys, and you get the general idea. Seems these also had played with My Ruin before, and had veen invited back.

Now to the most inportant, and hardest part of the review. To put into words, the power and... fury that went into this show (and it was a show, not just a proformance) which made it truely different from anything i had ever felt before. I felt awe, and still, 3 days later as im writing this, i still feel that same awe, that same passion which pushes me harder in everything i do. I belive that, what i felt that night, was something truely stong, truely pure. Someone with a love of music, proforming to people who want to hear it, and no matter how it was played, to each and everyone of them, it was perfect. Also, but strangly normal in this situation was the fact that, My Ruin didn't sound like their albums, but even better that them, the albums lose some of the fresh pure talent poured into them. (maybe this is what people who say CD's dont have perfect sound mean?). There is many many ways to try and discribe this gig, and i have tried the simplist, telling you what i felt, but this isn't good enough on its own.

So now i leave you some instructions.
1. Download some my ruin tracks. (terror, tainted love, miss ann thorpe)
2. listen to them when your in different moods, see how they make you feel.
3. if you enjoy, BUY THE FUKIN ALBUM, just one, one album is enough.
4. if you like this also, go to a gig.
5. like me, fall in love with something that will hopefully never end!.

-= Smiley =- //

Sunday, May 16

My Ruin!

Later on, in a few hours, ill be in the steamy hot sweatyness only known to some as a mosh pit (*or maybe i wont, if i dont feel up2 it*), but for now, i leave you with just their website :-D Im gonna enjoy this awhole lot more than you are :D.

Peace out!

-= Smiley =- //
Right ok, now that has changed, I guess so much I, and as I change, so much the blog that I write.

In the past, so many promises of things I will write, and never get around to doing, such as the A-Z of Alcohol, but no, no longer will you be told that something will be coming, and it not actually happen. I promise that if I now write that I WILL do something, then it WILL happen. Now, other day, the weirdest things started happening.

Firstly I'm just standing in town, the night before I had been really restless, and in my dreams, I saw a selection of people whom I hadn't seen for ages, and when I say ages, I'm talking MORE than a year, people I went to college with, before I left that course, and even people from my 6th form. Fair enough just a weird dream, but then, when the next day you are standing in town, and one of them appears, to tell you she is in the worse situation ever. *(Got a overdraft, got a loan to pay off overdraft, lent someone the loan)*. And all you can do is stand and watch, you suddenly start to realize how powerless, us as indiviual actually are. We are controlled by systems put in place, and we have no power to change them, no power to rebel against them, the best we can do is to ignore and not use them, but unless EVERYONE does, we wont get anywhere anyway :(.

Anyways, so I meet her in town, we talk, etc its all good fun meeting old friends, at the time I'm just like... "Ok that's weird"... But I think nothing more of it. Then on Wednesday night we go to the pub \0/. After a few hours of lovely Jack Daniels and other drinks mixing in my stomach, I get my normal dehydration symtoms and so go in search of a refreshing soft drink, I was searching for something cooling to quench my first, what I didn't expect to find was 3 of my old 6th form friends.

Now this still, is all fine and dandy to most people, and even I can believe this would happen, but when it comes down to the fact that only one of the would normally talk to me, one would talk if I spoke to her first, and the last one, well she would NEVER speak to me normally, and especially if she was on her own. And they start talking, talking between them selves and to me. Which is really weird. Now, only one of these girls was truly "alternative" and this was the one who would never talk to me, bare this in mind.

The whole idea behind alternative was the idea that anyone could be accepted, no matter whom they were, as long as they did not cause any pain to others.

Now the third girl is sitting there, looking at me, saying "I'm trying not to judge him, but I just remmber how he used to be", referring to me. This I can accept, as its ever so hard to "re-judge" someone, even thought, I never should of been judged in the first place, as she never really knew me.

Part of this story is lost in the past, this girl had a sister, she was aged 15 and she sadly died in a Car accident near where I now go to college, I think this has really really effected her in a way most could not cope with.

The next time I went out, well, it was even stranger, saw her again, this time with only one friend, we talked, then she started talking to me on her own, I asked her why she never spoke to me before and she said "I tried, but you were always too drunk!", and I know for a fact, that this isn't true, as I don't normally ever get drunk,.... (what the hell is going on in her head?). Anyway, pub finally closes and we are all chucked out, Amy is running about talking to everyone in a mad drunken stooper. I go and talk to them both, and she says "please don't judge me, you will think I'm a drunken idiot", which I don't, and never will.... But I think, I hope, I want to talk to her while she is sober, so I can get to truly know her... I think maybe, she will even understand me?

So peeps, a new start, a new post ! Lets let rip!:)

Also, I have been playing a lot of a game called gunbound lately, a kool little game, a bit like worms, the only way to really describe it is if you go and play your self, its free, so what are you waiting for?

I've also been playing War Craft 3, I got a copy the other day, and its good fun! :) Not a great fan of statigy games my self, but this one has elements of RPG to it, which keeps it good fun! :)

-= Smiley =- //

Tuesday, May 4

Ah fek the A-Z of alchol, its time to PARRRRRTY. Lets see, firstly we have the Sassna worm spreading like wild fire throughout the world! Its pwning hundreds of computers every second, and the weirdest thing is, it doesn't seem to actually DO anything except for spread. Now if thats true, whats the point of it? Someones experiement gone wrong, and released into a wild ?,This is a very possible problem, as teh "blaster" worm was acidently released, and the kid that released it never expected it to have any effect at all. I got gmail account and that rocks! :D :D :D

-= Smiley =- //

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